I Lack the Physical Ability to Be in the NFL but I More Than Make Up for It With My Innovation in the Area of Touchdown Celebrations

- Run to local church, convert to Catholicism, then run back to end zone and make the sign of the cross.

- Write PARAGON OF ATHLETIC ACHIEVEMENT in the air with my hand.

- Shimmy up goalpost, refuse to come back down.

- Jog victory laps around referee.

- Calmly pull football apart at the seams.

- Dump cooler of Gatorade on myself.

- Enter press box, write article praising my performance.

- Take out cell phone hidden in padding on goalpost, call up fire department, and tell them there’s a man on fire at the stadium. Add, “It’s me! Get it? Get it?!”

- Breakdance in attempt to outdo celebrating member of other team.