If This Fusion Restaurant’s Website Could Talk.
BY MIKE LACHER
[Originally published Januaury 10, 2011.]
HEY HEY HEY! Watch this slide show! LOOK! We have modern chairs and minimalist light fixtures!! LOOK! It’s an orchid floating in a pool at sunset! Want to hear some DANCE MUSIC? Mute it any time you like! Just click the animated parakeet flying around the screen! You want to get into the site? Just click the smallest fork!!! DANCE MUSIC!!!!!
Welcome! LOOK! Pictures of our wall-sized aquarium!! Check out how all the links spin when you scroll the page!!!!!! DANCE MUSIC! See the bowl of noodles in the corner??? Mouse over it! WHHHHOA! Customer testimonials popped out!!!! Follow us on Twitter!!!!!
You want to see our menu??? Just click “About Us!” No, not the actual words, on the stylized elephant next to the words. Yes! DANCE MUSIC!!!
Watch this full-screen video!!! Did you know we were founded in 2004 with the mission of bringing cutting edge cuisine with a hip flair to Brooklyn??? DANCE MUSIC!!!! Look at this picture of the owner’s child!!! LOOK! You can find our menu later! Fine! You can minimize the video by clicking the yellow play button!
Scroll to the bottom of the page! WHHHHHHOA IT’S SNOWING!!!! If you want our menu just click the girl holding the balloons! No, that girl is holding glass orbs. That will take you to our MySpace page! Do you want to be friends on MySpace?? Follow us on Twitter!!!! Okay okay. Just click the girl with the balloons!!!
WHOA! The balloons just flew away when you clicked! You just “liked” us on Facebook! Thanks!! DANCE MUSIC!!!!! OH WOW a whole cityscape just popped up! Click each building to learn about the key principles of our cooking! Come on! Fine. To get to the menu, just click the building that looks like a dojo! WHOA NOW YOU’RE FLYING THROUGH A VIRUTAL CITYSCAPE JUST LIKE—uh oh. Try closing any other open applications on your computer. Are you using Internet Explorer 6? It’s best if you’re using Internet Explorer 6. Give it a minute.
OKAY! Here it comes! Now draw a circle around the old guru sitting on the mountain! Wait for him to walk down the mountain! THE MUSIC GETS LOUDER AS HE GETS CLOSER TO THE BOTTOM!!!! EXPLOSION OF FLOWERS!!!!!! HERE’S A TEN MEGABYTE PDF OF OUR MENU FROM 2004! YOU CAN PRINT IT OUT! ON LEGAL PAPER! FOLLOW US ON TWITTER!!!!!!
SUGGESTED READSList: 23 Websites You Might Be Very Disappointed to Hear Are Already Registered, and One You Might Be Surprised to Discover Is Still Available
by Jeff Boison (1/21/2000)
List: “The doggie.com Domain Name Has Been Registered”: Register.com’s Proposed Alternate Domain Names
by Matthew Summers-Sparks (10/31/2000)
List: U.S. Presidential Candidates of the Future: Some Domain Names That Are Already Registered
by Mark Anderson (11/7/2000)
RECENTLYThe First Black Friday, by William Bradford
by River Clegg (11/27/2015)
Black Friday Special: Common Retail Questions Answered With Deeper Questions
by Kate Hahn (11/27/2015)
Butterball Help-Line Help-Line
by Alysia Gray Painter (11/25/2015)
POPULARThe Four Horsemen of Gentrification
by Zain Khalid (11/3/2015)
Monologue: An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk
by Amy Rolph (8/4/2015)
Monologue: As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian
by Pete Reynolds (11/18/2015)