Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
If Yosemite Sam’s Curses Were Considered Real Profanity and Were Dubbed Over for Television in the Same Clumsy, Unconvincing Manner as 1980s R-Rated Movies.
BY Martin Bell
Original Version: Get outta there, you rassa-frassin’ fur-bearin’ critter!
Censored Version: Get outta there, you wrestle-freezing, forebearing creature!
Original: Ya no-account, bush-whackin’ barracuda!
Censored: Ya NorCal, tush-spankin’ barracuda!
Original: Great horny toads! I done dug myself all the way to Chinee!
Censored: Great happy toads! I done dug myself all the way to … is this Asia?
Original: Cut the cards. Not that way, you idget!
Censored: Cut the cards. Not that way, you widget!
Original: Now, ya racka-frackin’ carrot-chewin’ varmint! Get a-goin’!
Censored: Now, ya really freaky parrot-screwin’ charmer! Get a-goin’!
Recensored: Now, ya rack of funky garrote-spewin’ varnish! Get a-goin’!
Original: Listen here, galoot! I’m the rootinest, tootinest here outlaw in the West!
Censored: Listen here! Salud! I’m the fresh ‘n’ fruitinest here outlaw in the West!
Original: If they make me jump off that diving board one more motherfuckin’ time, I swear to God … How many takes could they possibly need?
Censored: Ooooooooooooh, I HATES rabbits!
Original: Consarn it!
SUGGESTED READSOVERHEARD CELL PHONE CONVERSATIONS IN WHICH MOVIES OF THE 1980s WERE MENTIONED
by A.S. Hamrah (9/9/2006)
A 1980s Teen Sex Comedy Becomes Politically Uncomfortable
by Andrew Golden (3/21/2008)
Endings for the 1982 Film, An Officer and a Gentleman, If It Came Out in Today’s Factory-Free America
by Kate Hahn (1/30/2012)
RECENTLYSenior Year is Totally Gonna Rule Because After That My Life is Going to Be an Endless Abyss of Longing!
by Lane Moore (5/24/2013)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Hot Canadian Zumba Teacher Who Pulled Me Onstage After My Mother Died
by Christine Schrum (5/24/2013)
The 49ers: Oral Histories of Americans Facing 50: The 49ers, #119: Kathryn Harrison
by Rob Trucks (5/24/2013)
POPULARI Would Like to Be Pope
by John Ortved (2/25/2013)
Monologue: I’m Comic Sans, Asshole.
by Mike Lacher (6/15/2010)
Nate Silver Offers Up a Statistical Analysis of Your Failing Relationship
by Jory John (2/26/2013)