Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
If Yosemite Sam’s Curses Were Considered Real Profanity and Were Dubbed Over for Television in the Same Clumsy, Unconvincing Manner as 1980s R-Rated Movies.
BY MARTIN BELL
Original Version: Get outta there, you rassa-frassin’ fur-bearin’ critter!
Censored Version: Get outta there, you wrestle-freezing, forebearing creature!
Original: Ya no-account, bush-whackin’ barracuda!
Censored: Ya NorCal, tush-spankin’ barracuda!
Original: Great horny toads! I done dug myself all the way to Chinee!
Censored: Great happy toads! I done dug myself all the way to … is this Asia?
Original: Cut the cards. Not that way, you idget!
Censored: Cut the cards. Not that way, you widget!
Original: Now, ya racka-frackin’ carrot-chewin’ varmint! Get a-goin’!
Censored: Now, ya really freaky parrot-screwin’ charmer! Get a-goin’!
Recensored: Now, ya rack of funky garrote-spewin’ varnish! Get a-goin’!
Original: Listen here, galoot! I’m the rootinest, tootinest here outlaw in the West!
Censored: Listen here! Salud! I’m the fresh ‘n’ fruitinest here outlaw in the West!
Original: If they make me jump off that diving board one more motherfuckin’ time, I swear to God … How many takes could they possibly need?
Censored: Ooooooooooooh, I HATES rabbits!
Original: Consarn it!
SUGGESTED READSOverheard Cell Phone Conversation in Which Movies of the 1980s Were Mentioned
by A.S. Hamrah (9/9/2006)
A 1980s Teen Sex Comedy Becomes Politically Uncomfortable
by Andrew Golden (3/21/2008)
Endings for the 1982 Film, An Officer and a Gentleman, If It Came Out in Today’s Factory-Free America
by Kate Hahn (1/30/2012)
RECENTLYMy Marriage Will Crumble If We Can’t Find a New Television Show to Watch
by Andrew Palmer and Brian Platzer (9/2/2014)
List: More Accurate Titles of Movies Released This Fall
by Scott Rothman (9/2/2014)
Classic Russian Writers: For teh Internets: Mikhail Lomonosov’s “An Evening Reflection Upon Digital Grandeur Prompted by a Great Electronic Glow.”
by KA Semënova (9/2/2014)
POPULARHello Stranger On the Street, Could You Please Tell Me How to Take Care of My Baby?
by Wendy Molyneux (8/16/2012)
List: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck (7/5/2011)
Classic Movies Changed to Not Be Sexist
by Blythe Roberson (8/14/2014)