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If Yosemite Sam’s Curses Were Considered Real Profanity and Were Dubbed Over for Television in the Same Clumsy, Unconvincing Manner as 1980s R-Rated Movies.
BY Martin Bell
Original Version: Get outta there, you rassa-frassin’ fur-bearin’ critter!
Censored Version: Get outta there, you wrestle-freezing, forebearing creature!
Original: Ya no-account, bush-whackin’ barracuda!
Censored: Ya NorCal, tush-spankin’ barracuda!
Original: Great horny toads! I done dug myself all the way to Chinee!
Censored: Great happy toads! I done dug myself all the way to … is this Asia?
Original: Cut the cards. Not that way, you idget!
Censored: Cut the cards. Not that way, you widget!
Original: Now, ya racka-frackin’ carrot-chewin’ varmint! Get a-goin’!
Censored: Now, ya really freaky parrot-screwin’ charmer! Get a-goin’!
Recensored: Now, ya rack of funky garrote-spewin’ varnish! Get a-goin’!
Original: Listen here, galoot! I’m the rootinest, tootinest here outlaw in the West!
Censored: Listen here! Salud! I’m the fresh ‘n’ fruitinest here outlaw in the West!
Original: If they make me jump off that diving board one more motherfuckin’ time, I swear to God … How many takes could they possibly need?
Censored: Ooooooooooooh, I HATES rabbits!
Original: Consarn it!
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