Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
If Yosemite Sam’s Curses Were Considered Real Profanity and Were Dubbed Over for Television in the Same Clumsy, Unconvincing Manner as 1980s R-Rated Movies.
BY Martin Bell
Original Version: Get outta there, you rassa-frassin’ fur-bearin’ critter!
Censored Version: Get outta there, you wrestle-freezing, forebearing creature!
Original: Ya no-account, bush-whackin’ barracuda!
Censored: Ya NorCal, tush-spankin’ barracuda!
Original: Great horny toads! I done dug myself all the way to Chinee!
Censored: Great happy toads! I done dug myself all the way to … is this Asia?
Original: Cut the cards. Not that way, you idget!
Censored: Cut the cards. Not that way, you widget!
Original: Now, ya racka-frackin’ carrot-chewin’ varmint! Get a-goin’!
Censored: Now, ya really freaky parrot-screwin’ charmer! Get a-goin’!
Recensored: Now, ya rack of funky garrote-spewin’ varnish! Get a-goin’!
Original: Listen here, galoot! I’m the rootinest, tootinest here outlaw in the West!
Censored: Listen here! Salud! I’m the fresh ‘n’ fruitinest here outlaw in the West!
Original: If they make me jump off that diving board one more motherfuckin’ time, I swear to God … How many takes could they possibly need?
Censored: Ooooooooooooh, I HATES rabbits!
Original: Consarn it!
SUGGESTED READSOverheard Cell Phone Conversation in Which Movies of the 1980s Were Mentioned
by A.S. Hamrah (9/9/2006)
A 1980s Teen Sex Comedy Becomes Politically Uncomfortable
by Andrew Golden (3/21/2008)
Endings for the 1982 Film, An Officer and a Gentleman, If It Came Out in Today’s Factory-Free America
by Kate Hahn (1/30/2012)
RECENTLYThe Man With the Yellow Hat Goes to Therapy
by Devorah Blachor (4/16/2014)
Interviews With People Who Have Interesting or Unusual Jobs: A Former Methadone Clinic Counselor
by Suzanne Yeagley (4/16/2014)
List: Other Individuals Who Were at the Copacabana the Night That Rico Shot Tony (or Vice Versa), But Whose Presence Was Apparently Not Significant Enough to Warrant Inclusion in Barry Manilow’s Song
by Gary M. Almeter (4/16/2014)