I’m Going to Replace My Hands With Hammers, So Help Me God.
BY BLAKE STUCK
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve gathered you here because you’re the best of the best. In this room I’ve compiled leaders in all fields, from science to math, from anatomy experts to calculus masters. Among you here tonight are the best our great nation has to offer from every field of study; ranging from anatomy to neuroscience, from biophysics to anthropology, hell, we’ve even got an architect in here just to cover all the bases. What could bring such a meeting of the minds to fruition? Why have I gathered you all here? Well, it’s very simple really. I want to replace my hands with hammers.
I can tell by the gasps and muffled murmurs that not everyone is quite on board just yet so please allow me to go into just a bit more detail. In theory, I would remove one hand entirely, replacing it with a hammer. Perhaps just your everyday, meat and potatoes claw hammer, or maybe something a bit more offbeat like a rubber mallet. I’m not sure; I’m neither a surgeon nor a carpenter so I’ll leave that decision up to you. Let’s just cross that bridge when it gets here and not get bogged down in the minutia of replacing my hands with hammers just yet. So, I’ve got this hammer for a hand on one arm, and on the other, well, this is where things get a little “out there” so please keep an open mind. On the other hand, I would replace only my fingers with hammers. Little miniature hammers of approximately the same size of my now non-existent fingers. I don’t know if they make these little hammers already or if we would have to fabricate our own, but again this is something we can discuss when the appropriate time arises. By now I’m sure I’ve piqued your interest and you can see why I’ve gathered you all here. This is going to take some serious planning, plotting, and not to mention more than a little mental fortitude to get done.
You know, when I think about it, I’d probably put the hammer fingers on my right hand. I feel like I could still grip a fair amount of things. I could probably even grip another hammer if I really wanted to. Can you imagine that? A man with tiny, little hammer fingers swinging a normal-sized hammer like it wasn’t anything at all. Man, just think of the things a man could get accomplished with that kind of hammer-power.
Sorry, I was lost in thought. There are literally limitless things a person could do after having their hands surgically replaced with hammers. We’re on to truly groundbreaking stuff here, folks. I’m sure you all have some apprehensions as to my adapting to life wherein I no longer have hands, but rather hammers in their place. Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to be hard as hell to get accustomed to it at first. I have nearly 55 years of muscle memory already ingrained in these primitive human hands of mine and that’s going to take some serious training to overcome. But that should show you all just how dedicated I am to this endeavor. I’m willing to go through months, heck, maybe even years of agony and excruciating pain if need be to achieve my goal, our goal. Which, again, is replacing my hands with hammers.
My other hand would, of course, be used for just smashing shit all to hell. OK, that may be an over simplification but it’ll have to do for our purposes here. Please don’t think I’m going to get drunk with power and use my hammer hand for evil. No, quite the contrary, I’ll use it for the greater good. Stopping potential bank robberies. Hanging up samplers for little old ladies. Mostly, though, for party tricks. If Gallagher’s success taught us anything it’s that people love nothing more than seeing stuff get smashed into oblivion, and isn’t that exactly what we need right now, especially in this economy? I’m really doing the public a service when you get right down to it. I’m no “hero” though, folks, just an every day citizen trying to give back to his country, by having his hands unceremoniously cut off and replaced with hammers.
Listen, I just want to put smiles on people’s faces, and if they happen to want to pay me for it then, hey, that’s their prerogative. I’m certainly not going to shake them down or extort money in exchange for protection, if that’s what you’re thinking. I, if elected President, promise to never raise my hammer in anger to my adoring public. Oh, that’s right, I almost forgot, I’ll be using this highly dangerous and experimental surgery to springboard myself into the position of President of the United States of America. It’s the only next logical step. When the public hears that their most beloved stand-up comedian also moonlights as the crime fighter “The Hammer” at night, it’ll be impossible not to be voted into office.
Admittedly, the name could use some work, but that’s why you all are here. Well, that and to help fuse hammers onto my arms and hands.
To really “hammer” my point home, anyone who refuses to help me or stands in my way will be dealt with in a swift and orderly fashion.
I’m going to hit you with a hammer, if that wasn’t clear.
SUGGESTED READSJohn Moe’s Pop Song Correspondences: Regarding Pete Seeger’s Requests for a Hammer and His Descriptions of What He Would Do If He Had One
by John Moe (4/3/2007)
The Most Useful FAQ Ever
by T.G. Gibbon (1/17/2000)
Tool Theft in Western Wisconsin
by McSweeney's Editors (6/16/1999)
RECENTLYIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
A McSweeney’s Books Interview with Courtney Moreno, Author of In Case of Emergency
by Courtney Moreno and Erin Minnick (9/23/2014)
Reviews of New Food
by Various New Food Tasters (9/23/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
A Generic College Paper
by Jon Wu (9/19/2014)
Best Joke Ever: Mitch Hedberg: Hippie Martian Zen Genius
by Mark Peters (8/28/2014)