I’m the Distorted Security Code Standing Between You and This
BY COLIN NISSAN
Hey, there you are, I’ve been waiting for you. You probably thought you were home-free after getting this far, unfortunately, it’s a little more complicated than that. There’s the small matter of this battle of wits to attend to first.
See, I’m like the three-headed dog guarding the gates of Hades, except instead of Hades, it’s Diapers.com, and instead of a dog, I’m a dyslexic computer program with a messed up vocabulary and every goddamned funhouse font in the book. Stretched, squeezed, windswept. I’ve got gel filters that’ll render any word virtually unrecognizable and camouflage backgrounds that’ll make you want to ralph all over your laptop. So put on your glasses and get comfortable. Let’s get this typographical acid trip started, shall we?
I couldn’t help but notice you doubled up on everything in your cart. Two tubs of formula, two jumbo packs of Huggies Snugglers, even two sets of binkies—one pink, one blue. Apparently the stakes are twice as high as I thought. Maybe that’s why you just flubbed KITTEN, my layup of an opener, with a minor blur and very basic warp effect. Sorry to say but it’s only gonna get uglier from here.
Ever heard of a JYKKRWVTE? No? That’s because it’s not a real word. Not even in Iceland. I made it up because I’m not bound by the rules of the English language. I’m bound by a promise to make sure you’re not some cyberpunk purse snatcher running around the Internet like it’s a street full of old ladies with limps and mustaches. What do their mustaches have to do with anything? Let me worry about that.
I had someone pay me a visit earlier today looking to leave a comment on a blog. I’ve got nothing against a person exercising their freedom of speech, unless they happen to be a spammer pushing generic Cialis pills on an innocent gardening site. That’s the kind of first amendment breach I can’t abide by, so I spun a nice little web of alphanumeric gibberish for them to get caught in. And it was sticky, my friend. Sticky with the saliva of the law.
A while back, I remember a “guy” trying to log onto his Yahoo mail from someone else’s computer, so I laid down PHLEGM PIRATE on him with a hurricane effect and the opacity dialed down to 20%. Turned out he wasn’t a “guy” after all, he was an automated Bot on a fraud bender, and my nonsensical double zinger got his little binary panties in a bunch. Machine to machine, I will not hesitate to go Terminator 2 on someone’s ass.
Ooh, you almost got that last one, very close. You’re good. Really good. I bet you can almost taste those diapers. Listen, no matter how this ends, I like your spunk. But just remember, the more you miss, the more suspicious I get, and the more suspicious I get, the rougher this case-sensitive carnival ride gets. Next thing you know, you’re 0 for 12 and the nerves start to set in, you feel your palms sweating, a rage brewing inside you. You almost forget what the normal alphabet even looks like anymore and you can’t hear yourself think because your twins are screaming in your ears wondering where all their shit is.
That’s when you’ve got a decision to make. Do you throw in the towel? Just call it quits? Or do you shake it off, block out those cries and focus on what you need to do? A mother’s love is a miraculous thing, so let’s see if you’ve got a miracle in you right now because you’re gonna need one, or we’ll be doing this weird word waltz all night long.
SUGGESTED READSList: Passwords Printed on the Eight Trial Software Packages AOL Has Mailed to Me since December 20, and an Imagined Exchange Between AOL and Me
by Matthew Summers-Sparks (4/10/2001)
List: Secure Website Authentification Questions
by Joel Gunz (1/8/2009)
List: Your Password Must Contain the Following
by Eric K. Auld (7/26/2012)
RECENTLYWe Provide Meals That are Completely Unaffordable and Unappealing to People Who Actually Live in This Neighborhood
by Pablo Goldstein (8/22/2014)
Testomania: How is Your Love Life?
by Janet Manley (8/22/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Passing Motorist Who Suggested I Take a Photograph of His Dick
by Cirrus Robert Wood (8/22/2014)
POPULARAirplane Passengers as Explained By Their Pants
by Wendi Aarons (5/4/2012)
Hello Stranger On the Street, Could You Please Tell Me How to Take Care of My Baby?
by Wendy Molyneux (8/16/2012)
List: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck (7/5/2011)