In My Humble Opinion, Part One: Peanuts.
I’m getting a little tired of peanuts. Every restaurant I’ve gone to in the last month has scattered peanuts all over my food. Since when have peanuts become the gourmet topping of choice? First it was desserts, but now they’re on meat, too.
And how did peanuts become such media whores? You’ve seen the full-page ads in USA Today and the infomercials on late-night television, no doubt. I’m sick of it. People walking around with peanuts clicking in their front pockets, bags of swaying peanuts hanging off their bikes, Boy Scouts even selling them. . . enough already!
Next we’ll have everybody’s uncle planting peanuts on every corner.
I have no respect for peanuts. I throw the shells on the floor. I know many people who are actually allergic to peanuts, and let me tell you, they are not happy with what is going on. They have to eat almond butter sandwiches and there is nothing wrong with that. If they so much as touch a peanut their necks become scarred and, sometimes, drip with blood. Am I the only one who is going to stand up against this ridiculous marketing trend? I’m sure that old Peanut Joe is happy with his “secret,” his stock earnings, and his big gold pinkie rings, but this is obviously not good for America’s image. It is a joke — a laughing stock. My relatives in Canada are laughing their asses off. Right now. At our expense! Peanuts are demoralizing. Let me just say this: Stop eating peanuts.
Stop eating peanuts.
SUGGESTED READSIn My Humble Opinion Part Three: That ’70’s Book
by Kevin Sampsell (11/25/2002)
by Mike Topp (2/18/2002)
Monologue: Mr. Peanut Tries on Glasses at Lenscrafters
by Seth Weitberg (1/19/2010)
RECENTLYTake The Challenge
by Sarah Rosenshine (1/30/2015)
Monologue: I’m the Cool Wife In a Snack Dip Commercial
by Mike Lacher (1/30/2015)
List: Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both the Super Bowl and a Superb Owl
by Michael Ward (1/30/2015)
POPULARJamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)
An Honest Letter from Your I.T. Department
by Greg Edwards (1/7/2015)