Inaugural Speeches from Our Action Heroes.
Although I realize that I was not elected by a majority, I pledge to represent the interests of all. I have also retained many of my father’s advisers to guide my way.
I will cut taxes, balance the budget, and rid the world of Skeletor. Skeletor is evil. Skeletor does not believe in free trade. Perhaps my words are too moralistic, too black and white. But look at him—his face is a skull! He sits on a throne made of bones. This is an evil man, working in evil times. And I know, from various intelligence sources, including my trusted aide Man-at-Arms and my Security Adviser Generic-Noun-Name, that Skeletor has been working on a new weapon: a weapon that could destroy the nation. You in the media don’t believe me. Some have cynically reported that I am using fear to gain votes. If any members of the press corps wish to find out what Skeletor is up to, they can take a trip to Castle Grayskull, expenses paid from my Mattel stock options. Any takers? I didn’t think so.
Pundits and columnists have questioned my judgment, just because I used to run around without clothes on, saving people. I’ve moved past that. In your younger days, you don’t live your life running for political office. What hasn’t changed: I was a muscle-bound action figure then, and I’m a muscle-bound action figure now, dedicated to fighting Skeletor.
I should disclose at this time that I no longer receive any salary from Mattel, and I’m totally uninterested in their financial state. I’ve severed all ties. The idea that I might start a war so that Mattel could profit is ridiculous. How could a toy company possibly profit from a war?
The time is ripe for an attack. Why? Because if we don’t attack now, Skeletor will attack first. It is time to show who will be the Masters of the Universe.
Thank you and God bless. He-Man!
It’s Truly Outrageous that you’ve elected me to this position. As many of you have learned from my memoir—Jem—Truly Revealing!—it was a long hard road from the orphanage to become a rock star whose songs touch people’s hearts. Armed with little more than great hair, superpower earrings, a keen fashion sense, and a sizable inheritance, I was able to make my way to be here with you today. And I won’t let you down.
I believe it’s in the interest of every American to fight file-sharing. You may have heard of it, you may have done it. But it’s Truly Illegal! The pirating of movies and music must be stopped. These file-sharing hackers and spammers have no respect for other people’s hard work, and they support terrorism. Every song that you copy illegally winds up in the black markets of Kabul and Mogadishu—and if there’s anything that terrorists love, it’s American pop music. And I plan to use our Truly Lethal military to track down and bomb the computers of all file-sharers, because what they’re doing is terrible.
As I stand here today, I pledge to protect the Constitution, improve life for working families, and remove the smut that has penetrated popular entertainment. A few people with a lot of bad ideas have nearly destroyed the vast cultural heritage of the Reagan years, and I vow to end it, because I am Jem—Truly Republican! Thank you and God bless.
I was born here, but my parents were immigrants to this country. Like most orange-skinned cat-people who come to this great nation, they opened a convenience store, where I bagged and delivered groceries after school. I spent candlelit nights learning English and swordplay. And it still overwhelms me that you could elect me to this position.
But that is not enough. Prejudice does not end here, at this podium. Today it’s a Thundercat, tomorrow it could be anyone! This is a land of opportunity, not a land of calamity. Don’t let the melting pot boil over.
Wait for applause.
Critics of my fledgling administration suggest that my cabinet is lopsided, that it¹s not the coalition I might have mentioned during the campaign, but rather a coterie of Thundercats that I’ve known my entire life. And I ask you this—why shouldn’t I surround myself with the people I know and trust? My advisers will help this nation in its darkest hour, in the War on Mumm-Ra.
He is, pure and simple, a terrorist. A terrorist with terrible thoughts. This isn’t because he’s a Muslim, or Egyptian, or a mummy with mutant strength. The War on Mumm-Ra is the focal point of the War on Terror. Let’s put partisan politics aside. Let’s forget about the sex scandals. Let’s fight terror.
Thank you and God bless. Thundercats Ho!
As the first robot/semitruck to be elected to these hallowed halls, I pledge to rebuild America. To repair our crumbling roads and bridges, to lower gas prices, and to increase the speed limit. Things that all Americans need.
Our military is stretched too thin, and we need to increase spending to combat the Decepticon menace. It will be expensive—the liberals and the media complain that $87 billion is too much to construct a fleet of vehicles that transform into fighting robots. But we didn’t ratify the Decepticon Proliferation Treaty, and now they’re everywhere, threatening our very way of life. And, might I remind you, not a single Decepticon is made in America. The Central Intelligence Agency has suggested that some were built by the French.
You may ask where this money is coming from. We’re going to audit the entire budget, and go from there. We’ll find a way; it will come from healthcare, and it will come from education. And for those who protest, let me say this: how do you plan on getting your school buses and your ambulances to where they need to go without roads? What will you do when a Decepticon double-parks next to your car?
Some say that I’ve been pandering to special interest groups, that I’m in the pocket of the Big Three automakers. That would have to be a pretty big pocket. But I’m a coalition builder: I was also endorsed by Big Oil, and Big Tires as well. And I have the full support of the Teamsters. As far as my environmental beliefs go, you might say that I’m the first hybrid.
Waits for laughter.
Let me say right now, public transportation is not feasible. Can you imagine me on a subway? Or a Segway? And I’m not the only one. America is bigger now: all of those H2s out there, they need bigger roads, and bigger gas stations.
Are we going to be ruled by a bunch of foreign-made Transformers? No! We’re going to pop the clutch on government! We’re going to jump-start the economy! This administration will be More Than Meets the Eye. Thank you and God bless.
SUGGESTED READSSuperman’s Fortress of Solitude
by Rick Stoeckel (2/9/2005)
by Paul Maliszewski (7/27/2000)
The Fabulous Friends: Conservative Christian Groups’ Least-Favorite All-Star Cartoon
by Teddy Wayne (1/27/2005)
RECENTLYDo You Have a Minute for Me?
by Sloane Crosley (7/29/2014)
Retail Therapy: Inside the Apple Store: The Mothership
by J.K. Appleseed (7/29/2014)
Letters to McSweeney’s
by Various Letter Writers (7/29/2014)