Introducing LifeBlaster: The Life-Enhancing Gum.
Are you trapped in a life that feels like a prison, scared of the world and unable to face the day? Some might say you have a chemical imbalance, but we think you’re just chewing the wrong gum.
Say hello to new LifeBlaster gum, the world’s first chewing product that encourages you to live life free from the heavy burdens of fear, inhibition and the basic sense of right and wrong.
One bite, and all of a sudden you’ll notice exciting things are starting to happen. You’re jumping into pools with your business suit on. You’re starting impromptu pillow fights in the streets. You’re punching your boss. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and listening to voices you’ve just recently started hearing. The gum is working.
That’s because every piece of LifeBlaster gum is injected with the essence of “fun” and “youth.” Or, as it’s known in the medical community, “Canadian Botox” and “counterfeit human growth hormone.”
And with a zany array of flavors like YOLO Yellow Crush, Red Cherry Massacre, and Borderline Personality Disorder Grape, you can’t help but zig when the world zags. Get ready to break out of your tired old rut, and into locked vehicles. Because soon, you’ll be obsessively compelled to take more risks. You’ll go out on a limb, and end up sleeping in a tree because you can’t remember how you got up so high, how the fuck you’re supposed to get down, and why your skin feels so hot.
Because after just one bite of LifeBlaster, it’s anything goes. Maybe you’ll take an impulse flight to Mexico, or maybe you’ll wake up masturbating in a public theater. Maybe you’ll invite hundreds of friends over for a party, and when they get to your house you’ll lock your doors, turn off the lights, and pretend like you don’t know any of them. They’ll think, “Wow, what a rebel” and “Wow, he’s been sobbing and screaming in the dark for hours now, we should probably call someone.”
So what exactly is it that makes this gum so invigorating? Is it a spark? Is it the amphetamine-laced flavor crystals? No one knows for sure, including us. And even if we did, we wouldn’t legally be allowed to tell you. Investigations are still pending.
Whatever the reason, it’s time to get exited! So excited that your heart starts beating way too fast, and you start to feel all weird and scared. It’s a little side effect we like to call ExciteMania. It’s the kind of rush that makes you just want to go home where you feel safe. But you’re going to have to suck it up and stifle those SpontaneiTears, because you can’t go home anymore. The gum is already at your house. It’s become good friends with your mother, and it’s been telling her all kinds of bad things about you. She’s having the locks changed.
Thinking maybe it’s time to go to the police? Think again. Your DNA is all over your gum, and as it turns out, several pieces of LifeBlaster have shown up at a few high-profile crime scenes in your area. Remember that car you broke into earlier? Remember the theater?
There’s no use fighting it, so you might as well keep chewing. It’s not even your decision anymore. By now, LifeBlaster’s parasitic properties have enabled it to fuse to your jawbone, and it’s rapidly making its way to your brain stem.
So go ahead, lose control! Be spontaneous! It’s what the gum wants you to be.
And the gum always gets what it wants.
Now available at the back entrance of your neighborhood convenience store.
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