BY AARON SHIN, ADAM WHITE, CASEY PLETT, ELLA DELANEY, GRANT BERGLAND, HILARY LEICHTER, LIZZIE REINHARD, RAINA LIPSITZ, SARA FREEMAN, SOPHIA EFTHIMIATOU, SWAN HUNTLEY and WISTAR MURRAY
Name: Dave Fourchette
Occupation: Cafeteria tray salesman for TresCo, Assistant to the Northeast Regional Director.
Q: How often do you fly?
Q: What’s your least favorite airport??
A: Philadelphia. No, Buffalo. No, Philadelphia.
Q: Of all the places you’ve been, what’s the best?
Q: What’s your secret airport vice?
A: It was eating with my fingers. Because I flew to Buffalo because I enrolled in this course in table utensils. Utensils sales. Off the record, it’s the most competitive utensils-sales course out there, and it’s offered only in Buffalo. Selling trays has always come easy to me. Easily. However, but, many of my clients in the public schools are phasing them out. They say it’s for the ecology of the environment. However, now I’m sure it must be because of increasing tray weaponization. They can be broken off and used as shanks, after all.
Utensils is a growth industry. Are. And plus, they also have a rich history. Many people think forks have always had three or more tines, but there was once a time when we only had two. And before that, there was one. But, however, is one tine a tine, after all? I’ll have to think about it.
The time I flew, there was a terror warning sign color signal alert. I remember it was orange. It didn’t take me long to figure out that that was probably why my flight was delayed. So I went to Sushi Express. The waiter said, “Do you want chopsticks, sir?” How ironic!
I thought about them a lot afterward. I was developing some ideas for prototypes for new utensils anyway. Off the record. You know what sporks are, right? So I was looking at these chopsticks and I said to myself, “chopoons.” No-—"foricks." No—"chopknifes."
And that last one got me worried about weaponization. So that’s why it is my secret airport vice. They can be weaponized. One end is sharper than the other. So can a book. If you thought about it. Even though both ends are the same. Especially this book called Cantonese by Rosetta Stone, which I saw in the airport in Philadelphia.
On the flight to Buffalo, this woman took up a little over more than 29% of my seat and she would. Not. Stop. Talking. To. Me. I. Am. Doing. This. Because. I. Answered. Her. Like. That. This. This. Is. How. I. Answered. Her. I. Mean. She. Was. Not. Talking. To. Me. Like. This. Just. Me. To. Her. I. Hoped. It. Would. Make. Her. Stop. Talking. To. Me. And. It. Did.
This other time, I was on a flight from Buffalo to Philly, and I noticed this man pretending to tie his shoe. I was afraid that he wasn’t really tying his shoe because of a) those laces were thick, like a wick. They could have been weaponized. However, but mainly, also b) who ties their shoe on an airplane? Where are you going to walk to? The bathroom? The fasten-seatbelt sign was on!
So I caught his eye, and I looked back and forth between him and the shoe he was “tying,” glaring the whole time, and I said with my mouth just silently, Don’t. Do. It. After all, this had already worked once. He rolled his eyes like I was the crazy one and just stared out the window for the rest of the flight.
You’re welcome, Buffalo.
SUGGESTED READSExcerpts From the Safety Brochure
by Kurt Luchs (11/17/2000)
It’s a Lot Harder to Fly a Plane Using the Force Than Star Wars Would Suggest
by Jordy Greenblatt (8/19/2010)
List: Ways In Which the Midwest Express In-Flight Catalog Describes Shirts That Won’t Wrinkle
by Jules Lipoff (5/20/2002)
RECENTLYAmerica: A Review
by Megan Amram (7/3/2015)
From The Diary of John Adams
by Peter Krinke (7/3/2015)
Recent Entries On Suburbandictionary.Com
by Mike Zuckerman (7/2/2015)
POPULARThe SCOTUS Marriage Decision, in Haiku
by Daniela Lapidous (6/26/2015)
Purify Your System With the Seven-Day Chili Dog Cleanse
by Django Gold (6/11/2015)
List: Measures We’re Taking to Offset the Patriarchal Footprint of Our Wedding
by Hannah Ballou (6/5/2015)