It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers.
BY COLIN NISSAN
[Originally published October 20, 2009.]
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.
I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”
Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.
The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.
Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.
For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.
Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!
Available in print with
The Best of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
SUGGESTED READSIt’s Rotting Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (12/3/2015)
I Don’t Have This Job: I Am a Pumpkin Carving Instructor
by Joslyn Sklar and Justin Sklar (5/9/2016)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Pumpkin-Flavored Seasonal Treats
by Ilana Plen (9/23/2015)
RECENTLYSocial Media Intern Wanted at The Night’s Watch
by Chris Brotzman (6/24/2016)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives: Christian and Collin Face the Gunman
by Marti Jonjak (6/24/2016)
List: Business Ideas Sparked By My Passion for Drinking Monster Energy Drinks
by Alexa Loftus (6/24/2016)
POPULARList: Classic Stepdad Jokes
by Brian Polk and Kathleen Chen (6/17/2016)
No, I Don’t Dislike the New Ghostbusters Movie Because I Hate Women — It’s Because I Strongly Believe In Hollywood Finance Reform
by Samuel Priest (6/15/2016)
List: 10 Billy Joel Song Titles That Are Also Answers You Give to the Insurance Adjuster Who Suspects You and Your Associates of Arson
by Gustavo Turner (6/15/2016)