[Originally published Mach 9, 2009.]

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Episode One

Garak gets busted for a DUI and is caught on tape assaulting the officer and blaming his troubles on Klingon bloodwine. The Cardassians are accused of using photon torpedoes on paparazzi who are trying to snap photos of them at the Playboy Mansion.

Episode Two

A sex tape featuring Legate Damar’s daughter Kata and two Ferengi club owners circulates around the Federation of Planets. Dukat posts a rant on his blog dissing Snoop Dogg and starts a West Coast–Delta Quadrant rap war.

Episode Three

Legate Damar’s daughters want Lil Wayne to sing at their sweet-16 party. After much convincing, Lil Wayne agrees to do it in exchange for a Galor-class starship with custom Romulan rims. Garak’s daughter Seska drops a record and sets out on a tour to promote her new single, “Touch My Nebula.”

Episode Four

Kata runs into the cast of The Hills at Forty Deuce and renews her fling with Brody. They get into a fight in the parking lot and a YouTube clip shows Kata crying and telling Brody, “I can’t read your mind—I’m not a Betazoid!”

Episode Five

The Damar girls go shopping on Rodeo Drive and their intergalactic MasterCard is denied. They call their father, who tells them money doesn’t grow in replicators. Seska meets the Jonas Brothers on tour; rumors of Joe Jonas caressing her neck ridges at a Grammy party surface on Perez Hilton.

Season Finale

Kata is approached by Joe Francis to host Borgs Gone Wild 2: Resistance to Flashing Is Futile. She accepts and has a tearful goodbye with the Hilton sisters at a club. Seska starts dating Mickey Rourke, who acknowledges her in an award-acceptance speech as “my ridge-headed angel.”