Hey, Tom the Sound Engineer! You ready to lay this book down in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit!
Okay… just Tom then.
But before we get started, I wanted to tell you how excited I am to be reading In the Velociraptor’s Nest. My manager said he thinks it could be the next Jurassic Park—a book I never actually read. Not because it blasphemes the one true Lord by suggesting dinosaurs could be made by any other means than God individually molding them from clay and breathing into them the breath that is the source of all life—all praise be unto Him—but because Spielberg passed me over for the Wayne Knight role in the movie. That was the year I realized my acting career was a giant floater just waiting to be flushed. But I doubled down on this evangelical Christian gig and never looked back. I like to say God is the one casting agent who always calls straight white Christian males back.
Alright, well, let’s take a look at this puppy.
Huh, while I don’t approve of this woman showing off her sinful flesh on the cover, I have to say it is refreshing to see a scientifically accurate depiction of the Cretaceous period. Humans and dinosaurs did indeed live side by side in the time of the Old Testament just a few hundred years before the American Civil War in what we know today as Canada.
[A LITTLE WHILE LATER…]
Okay, okay…hold on. This part is confusing: The men of her tribe took her from the front, from the back, never asking, never thanking, never even looking her in the eyes as they pounded her like a side of rancid saber-tooth tiger meat.
Again, the level of research and period detail the author draws upon to create an accurate depiction of this rich and ancient world. Incredible! The saber-tooth tiger absolutely would be familiar to a woman alive in the age of dinosaurs and Julius Caesar. But my problem as a reader is I don’t understand why she is unhappy. If this sexual intercourse is truly non-consensual then her father will receive fifty pieces of silver and everyone will walk away happy—unless, of course, she was menstruating at the time. Then she will be driven from her people like chattel in accordance with God’s divine law.
Or… and I just thought of this, maybe her father actually sold her into slavery. In which case, assuming she plays her cards right, one of these men may marry her. And if that happens, well, I’ll just drop a little bit of Exodus on you: If he himself marries her and then takes another wife, he may not reduce her food or clothing or fail to sleep with her as his wife.
Pretty romantic, right? Plus, you don’t want to be in your 600s and suddenly have your husband reduce your food allotment. Anyway, I think we may have an unreliable point-of-view character on our hands AND the beginnings of a moving love story.
No wonder this books is so popular!
[LATER STILL…]
Azog felt the kiss of sharp claws against her skin as the hide slid from her shoulder and exposed a naked, heaving breast. ’The raptor paused, curious, sniffing at her as she pressed desperately against the wall. A reptilian tongue, stiff and hot, dashed out to lick…
Uh… hold on, Tom… I’m just trying to find the part where the highly-trained Christian soldiers of the Leviticus Force show up and stone them to death…
[A BIT LATER…]
So there is no Leviticus Force in this book, apparently.
You know, Tom, I realize I’m a figure of ridicule. I get it. In retrospect that drawing of a crocodile-duck hybrid wasn’t the slam-dunk debunking of evolution I thought it would be. But, man, you tell yourself to endure because you think you’re making the world a better place. Then you realize that everyone just wants to spend the end of days masturbating.
And I’d be fine with that. Like, okay, I was bested by lust, a fate met by better men than I, but this book isn’t popular as pornography is it, Tom? The author, she’s like me, right? Just another LOL pitched on the Internet goof pyre.
Well, maybe this woman earnestly set out to write the steamiest human-giant reptile erotica she could! Would she burn in hell for all eternity for it? Sure she would, Tom, but there was an admirable purity there!
It’s all just so damn depressing. We’re not human beings. We’re all just farts in the wind, Tom… just blog farts in the wind.
[EVEN LATER…]
Sure, but if scientists are so smart why can’t they provide just one example of evolution producing a change of kind? Give me just one example, Tom!