Invite a vegetarian over for tea. Politely inquire about his degenerate lifestyle in order to lull him into a false sense of security. When he lowers his guard, beat him to death with a sack of phone books.
Cook vegetarian over medium heat until brown. Remove from heat and stir in pasta sauce, onion, garlic powder, basil, and oregano. Return to low heat to simmer. Cook, drain, and rinse noodles. In a baking dish, layer in noodles, sauce, and cheese. Bake covered with foil at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes or until top layer of cheese is bubbling. Let cool for 10 minutes, then serve and enjoy.
Afterward, discreetly dispose of the vegetarian’s belongings and wipe down the house from top to bottom.
Find someone who has already prepared some home-style gagh. Kill him/her in honorable combat and take his/her gagh. Serve cold and enjoy.
Heart of Targ
Retreat to the solitude of the wilderness. Contemplate what it means to be a man and come to terms with your shortcomings as a son, a husband, and/or a father. Play a drum if it helps. Thus centered, you are ready for Step 2. Contemplate the targ until your mind opens and you realize that consuming the heart of a wild animal is nothing more than a romantic metaphor and that the targ’s spirit (or “mana”) will not transfer to you no matter how succulent its heart may be. Armed with this new awareness, return to the city and order a three-meat pizza to sate your hunger. You, the targ, and the universe are now one.
Thing on a Stick
(a.k.a. Bachelor’s Delight)
Impale something on a sharpened stick. Cook over a pile of burning tires until bored. Serve hot and enjoy.
SERVES 1 PLATOON
Preset disruptor to “incinerize.”
Identify a tribble infestation. Scramble your forces and surround the affected area with a ring of thermal mines reinforced by autoguns with overlapping fields of fire. Once secure, saturate the area with plasma mortars and spicy barbecue sauce. Assess bomb damage and repeat as necessary. When satisfied, sweep the area with squads and mop up any remaining resistance. Retrieve charred tribble carcasses and stomp or pound into nuggets. Serve hot and enjoy.
If desired, commission an opera to celebrate your glorious triumph over the loathsome tribble menace.
SUGGESTED READSNietzsche’s Angel Food Cake
by Rebecca Coffey (1/15/2010)
Making Ketchup is Too Hard
by Justin Dullum (7/2/2003)
List: Recipes That Would Be Officially Approved by the Ayn Rand Institute
by John Warner (11/1/2000)
RECENTLYWinners of the Yoknapatawpha County Spelling Bee, 1929-1940
by Sean Gill (5/28/2015)
My Signed Comedy LPs: One Comedy Nerd’s Obsessive Journey: Patton Oswalt
by Dan Pasternack (5/28/2015)
List: Sufjan Stevens Song or Quote From the National UFO Reporting Center?
by Mandala Laura (5/28/2015)