Ladies and Gentlemen, This Is Your Captain Speaking.
On behalf of the flight crew, let me welcome you aboard Delta Flight 1647 to Dallas-Fort Worth with continuing service to Sacramento. We should touch down in Dallas at 5:23 local time, depending on this headwind. And assuming I decide to go there.
Folks, we’ve just hit our cruising altitude of 11,000 feet. I’ve turned off the seat-belt light, which means you are now free to move about the cabin. However, for your own safety, please fasten it when you are seated, in case we encounter any unexpected turbulence or I jerk the stick back and forth.
This one time, I hit an “air pocket” and sent, like, 12 passengers flying straight up to the ceiling. One guy died. Although, to be precise, you don’t “fly straight up” when that happens. The airplane drops, while you remain in place. So the ceiling hits you hard in the head. Not fun!
Though I’ve turned off the seat-belt light, please note the “no smoking” light will remain on throughout the flight, in compliance with FAA regulations. You may not smoke in the lavatories and federal law prohibits tampering with the smoke detector. Feel free to pack a chew or eat loudly, though. Those aren’t federal crimes. Not yet!
Flight attendants, two dirty martinis to the cockpit, please.
Another light I’ve turned on is the “don’t wiggle your leg obsessively” light. Why do some people do that? Just sit there shaking their leg back and forth.
Most of these extra lights I designed myself.
But please also note FAA regulations require passengers to follow the instructions of the flight crew at all times. So if I make up something, but don’t have a light with an icon of that action, you still have to do it. There’s no way I can think of a light for everything I might want you to do.
So, did you hear the one about the airline passenger who was so stupid, the other airline passengers noticed? Folks, I kid.
To clear up the questions on everybody’s mind: All the female flight attendants have husbands, though the brunette married for money and really needs to get some. Actually, the redhead’s single, but I got dibs. Both the male flight attendants are gay. The blond has a committed partner (good guy, FYI), but the bald dude parties. I’m a Capricorn and your co-pilot is a Sag.
Another thing, flight attendants, please don’t stress the articles and prepositions when you deliver the in-flight instructions. For example, don’t say, “Please DO raise your tray tables TO the upright AND locked position.” Instead, say, “Please do RAISE your tray tables to the UPRIGHT and LOCKED position.” For some reason you all think emphasizing the less important words, like helping verbs and whatnot, makes you sound professional. It just cheapens the in-flight instructions. No offense.
Also, I get way bored up here. Really, you have no idea. So, to keep my skills sharp, I sometimes pretend there’s flak exploding all around the plane. In addition to evasive maneuvers, I might scream orders over the cabin P.A. and occasionally even pray to God to just spare the lives of my crew with families. As I said, it keeps my skills sharp. You should thank me, honestly.
Don’t worry, though, those commie sons of bitches won’t take me alive. Not while there’s breath in my lungs and strength in my flesh. Again, kidding! Somebody stop me!
If I or one of the other members of your flight crew walks the length of the plane without pants, please remain calm and seated. That’s just a little game we play.
On behalf of your cockpit and cabin crews, please, sit back and enjoy your trip.
We now keep pistols in the cockpit. Thank you, Congress. Awesome.
SUGGESTED READSDiary of a Flying Man
by Randy Cohen (2/1/1999)
I am a Concerned Chilled Orange-Juice Customer
by Tim Rogers (9/8/1999)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “The mainstream media creates scandals to help ratings. Networks race for commercial dollars—celebrating hysteria and commissioning ‘junk journalism.’”
by Kent Woodyard (1/9/2012)
RECENTLYMurder Beach is Open for Summer!
by Matt Bower (5/27/2016)
List: Ways in Which We Swipe Right After 34
by JoJo Franzen (5/27/2016)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives: Amy Makes it Home, Part 2
by Marti Jonjak (5/27/2016)
POPULARList: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin (5/19/2016)
I Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Obituaries for Teenage Girls If They Actually Died When They Say They’re Dying
by Karen Chee (5/26/2016)