Ladies, I Love You: A Letter From Dr. Phil.
Oh, hello. Don’t mind me, I always smoke my pipe by the fire with no shirt on. Does that make you uncomfortable? Good.
Sometimes in life, we need to feel uncomfortable in order to change.
But you know what’s not uncomfortable? Baby oil. Why don’t you grab that bottle I’ve left out on my leather settee?
Do you like leather? I do. Pleather, leather, vinyl, mesh, I like it all. My wife, Robin, has a very nice leather evening gown that I bought her for the Daytime Emmys.
Where’s Robin, you say? Ooooh, she’s just having a little “special cellar time.” It’s important for couples to have separate activities. That’s how we keep our marriage alive.
You seem tense. Why don’t you have a little lie-down on that bear rug? Be careful. That bear is still alive. We became friends when he was a guest on my show during Bear Week.
Would you like some champagne? I drink mine from a bucket.
Well, I brought you here today to tell you that you are great. The only thing getting in the way of you having a great relationship is you!
There are so many great things about you. Your hair is shiny, your eyes are pretty, your hands are great for grabbing. You keep your apartment very clean.
How do I know that?
I’ve been living in your closet for six weeks. Don’t worry. It’s just part of my research for the show.
How have I survived in there? Lunchables and malt liquor.
Don’t scream. You’ll wake the bear. I just want you to know that you are a beautiful woman who deserves to have happiness in her life. That’s why I’ve decorated the attic as a replica of your childhood bedroom just for you.
Don’t bother trying the door.
I promise that I am going to be there for you forever. As long as you don’t try to scream or run. Or talk. Or hum. Humming really bugs me. The last girl hummed.
Remember, only you can make you happy, so if you are unhappy in the attic, it’s because of you.
Now, please go to your room. Entourage is starting.
Dr. Phil McGraw
SUGGESTED READSAnother Example of the Illuminating Correspondence Between John Hodgman, Professional Literary Agent, and His Cousin, One ‘Josh,’ Who Aims to Be a Man of Letters
by John Hodgman (1/31/2000)
Letters Found on Computers at an Internet Café in Bangkok
by John Bowe (2/3/2000)
More Letters Found on Computers at an Internet Café in Bangkok
by John Bowe (5/11/2000)
RECENTLYWanted: Holiday Husband
by Julie Daniel (11/21/2014)
How to Find Love: Lessons from an Old Maid: An Unfortunate Series of Unrequited Crushes
by Connie Sun (11/21/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to My Beloved Woolly Armpits
by Jennifer Burns (11/21/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
A Small-Scale Organic Farmer Wants You to Know a Few Things
by Claire Boyles (10/20/2014)
Why You Should Not Have Broken Up With Me, According to Various Critical Theories
by Tommy Wallach (11/3/2014)