1.
A man was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand.
Yet he also noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. This always happened at the very lowest times of his life.
The man questioned the Lord, “Why did you abandon me when I truly needed you?”
And the Lord smiled down on the man, saying, “During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”
To which the man replied, “No, you can see the little Nike swoosh right there, look closer.”
And the Lord said, “Oh. OK, I was floating.”
2.
“Come to the edge,” he said.
They said, “We are afraid.”
“Come to the edge,” he said.
They came.
He pushed them.
And they pushed back.
He pushed them again.
They said, “Stop doing that.”
“Whatever,” he said. “Assholes.”