[Originally published October 9, 2012.]

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Sondheim’s Paradox

When a man thinks he is meant to be with a woman because of their shared love of musicals, but can’t tell her, because she will think he is gay.

Falwell’s Paradox

When a Christian’s unwavering urge to share Christ’s message of love to everybody they know causes them to be hated by everybody they know.

Kirk’s Paradox

When a person’s increasing number of Star Trek insignia tattoos leads to exponentially decreasing chances of ever being hired by NASA.

Franklin’s Paradox

When an individual must abandon all self-respect in order to belt out a riotous karaoke version of “Respect.”

DiFranco’s Paradox

When the only factor preventing a feminist from being paid the same as her male coworkers is a degree in Feminist Studies.

Kinsey’s Paradox

When a young man’s encyclopedic knowledge of human sexuality textbooks prevents him from ever getting laid.

Folger’s Paradox

When a lack of coffee in the morning prevents an individual from being able to functionally leave their home to buy coffee.

Coolio’s Paradox

When an individual cannot get a credit card because of having too much street cred.

Chong’s Paradox

When a group of individuals constructs elaborate plans for a unique way to get high, but fail to remember their plans, because they get high.