[Originally published September 12, 2013.]
On the third day of May, when the wind crosses West and East,
The green mermaid who protects the outposts of bean-water will be besieged
Empty white cups shall fill cans, and the adrogyne with a green apron.
Shall look upon you and utter that the only available liquid lacks CAFF.
In the thirteenth year after the two thousand years since the birth of Christ
Fearsome spectres shall haunt your front entryway and give you no peace—
Bags overflowing with items to be returned to the PURVEYOR of CONTAINERS
Shelf brackets shall SQUANDER, covered in dust, and slowly pass the date of return.
After dining on MCFLESH at that Scottish-named inn of RAPIDLY PREPARED food,
A man will run underneath the tall buildings of a bustling city
Trying to enter a train bearing towards the RIVER in the EAST.
The train has no name but the letter “L”—it shall elude him.
There is an ICY BOX in the ROOM of BREAK of an edifice.
In the box is a sweet cake made of cold cream;
It marks the feast day of ARTHUR from ACCOUNTING
But a tiny corner of the sweet shall disappear right before the celebration.
A woman named BARB shall prepare herself for dinner and drinks
And in her urgency shall dash her APPENDAGE against a bath tile,
Her finger’s keratin shell shall snap, sharply and seemingly irreparably,
Only to be righted after a pilgrimage, to the SALON of NAILS.
When the flowers have BLOOMED on the vine in the thick air of summer
There shall be a deluge, sudden and violent and merciless—
Miniature Rivers and Lakes shall rise in the streets and a nation
Shall realize they all forgot their fucking collapsible rain tents.
Vision shall be clarified when the OPTimal doctor declares CONTACT
Possible between a corrective device and they eyeball but
The payment made in cooperation shall be misquoted
And a lengthy dispute with the entity known as V.S.P. shall ensue.
Where the energetic TUMBLER (-R) meets the busy bird that TWEETS
An assortment of words pertaining to four females living in
THE POINT THAT IS GREEN will label these “GIRLS” visionary
But delivering a message that falls short of third-wave expectations.
A tub of LEAFS shall be purchased with the intent to create a mixture
Of vegetables and nuts and oils and vinegar and berries OF STRAW
Instead pasta and cheese are ravaged, discarded wrappers thrown
Just above the rotting plastic tub of forgotten green slime.
The thin blonde queen PARIS will give rise to a new order
And three raven-haired sisters will come to prominence.
They will force citizens to abandon other pursuits to KEEP UP
And their leader shall bear progeny with the man known as RUNAWAY.
In the sixth year of the 20th century, the FOX will hunt its own hound
The curr will take an idiom for its name meaning “stopped growth”
Its great hound will fall, and rise again in episodes of simultaneous release
To be found in the library of FLIX, trapped in NETS, instantly.
In a EASTERN DISTRICT named for a leader of FLASE TOOTH
A secretary shall rise to power, but no dictation shall be transcribed.
Rather she will stand before one HOUSE, filled with REPS,
And dream of a HOUSE OF WHITE while they shout of Ben and Gauze.
SUGGESTED READSNFL Picks 2003: Week One
by Jeff Johnson (9/4/2003)
List: Famous Predictions
by Adam Underhill (12/15/2003)
List: Psychic Predictions From the Narcissistic Magic 8 Ball
by Danny Gallagher (1/26/2005)
RECENTLYDrinking Games for Non-Drinkers
by Shannon Reed (10/9/2015)
Best Joke Ever: Archer: A Show That Can Make Anything, Even Cancer, Funny
by Mark Peters (10/9/2015)
List: Approximate Time and Cost Variables for Select Yacht Rock Song Characters
by Taylor Garcia (10/9/2015)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2015)
List: Nihilistic Password Security Questions
by Soheil Rezayazdi (10/2/2015)
Facepalm Pilot: Where Technology Meets Stupidity: An Interactive Guide to Ambiguous Grammar
by Vijith Assar (9/3/2015)