Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
Let Me Translate
My Emails for You.
“I’m just checking in.” = Where is that thing you promised I’d have by now?
“Sorry to bother you again.” = Why can’t you do your fucking job?
“I feel bad for making you do this.” = You should feel bad for not having done this already.
“This was helpful.” = This would’ve been helpful two weeks ago.
“Sorry if I somehow missed your email.” = We both know you never emailed me.
“Thanks for the explanation.” = If you had told me this last week, you would’ve saved me a lot of time.
“Perhaps there was a misunderstanding.” = You didn’t fucking listen to me.
“I suppose that’s one way to go about it.” = Stop improvising and just do what I asked you to do.
“Sorry if my instructions were unclear.” = Are you a fucking moron?
“If you could get to this in the next couple of days, that would be great.” = Do this immediately if you know what’s good for you.
“I just want to make sure we are on the same page.” = I worry you didn’t understand my simple instructions and will fuck this up.
“I can’t remember if I already asked you to do this.” = I’ve asked you four times and you still haven’t done it.
“We don’t have a lot of flexibility in the schedule.” = You’d better get it done by my deadline or else.
“Let me know if you have any questions.” = Do not bother me with your stupidity.
“Thank you for your help.” = I would’ve done it much faster myself.
SUGGESTED READSThe Inventory Manager of a Wholesale Sex Toy Manufacturer Responds to a Shipping Request
by Quinn Formel (2/19/2015)
List: Email Subject Heading from the Democratic National Committee or Text from an Emotionally Immature Friend?
by Audrey Kaufman (11/5/2015)
My Mom Interned at a Non-Profit and Now All Her Emails are Different
by Evan Williams (2/17/2016)
RECENTLYThis Summer, We’re Renaming Our Tampons “America”!
by Kendra Eash (5/31/2016)
List: An Updated List of the Hardest Parts By Mr. Tom Petty, Revising an Earlier Assertion That the Waiting Was the Hardest Part
by John Moe (5/31/2016)
Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Fences
by Teddy Wayne (5/31/2016)
POPULARList: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin (5/19/2016)
I Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Obituaries for Teenage Girls If They Actually Died When They Say They’re Dying
by Karen Chee (5/26/2016)