Let Us Customize Your Extended Jingle.
BY ERIK COFER
Are you a business owner burdened with a company jingle that doesn’t quite linger on long enough to stick in consumers’ heads and become a joyous, seemingly endless loop?
Extended Jingles, Inc. is here to offer an alternative to the banal, truncated corporate jingle. Our services are not limited to the corporate world, however. We will customize an extended jingle for just about anyone.
What We Do
We start by taking inventory of what it is you’re looking for, and then we alter it to meet our standard of EJP (Extended Jingle Perfection). We find that many people are unaware of what it truly takes to make an extended jingle special.
Jingles can be extended through sheer repetition, severe tempo reduction, improvisation, etc. We’ve even inserted two minutes and thirteen seconds worth of backmasked Mommie Dearest audio clips for one client’s extended jingle. There’s no wrong way to extend a jingle, so long as it’s handled by professionals (i.e., us).
We allow you total freedom to choose from any of our four unique Jingle Templates: Lounge, Bluegrass, Thrash Metal, and the increasingly popular atmospheric template Trapped Within the Mucky Interior of the World’s Largest Beehive. There is no hip-hop. Fred doesn’t like hip-hop. Fred is the guy we commission to produce our jingles from his personal MacBook. We’re all basically at the mercy of Fred here, but he’s a fairly stand-up guy and he has the voice of an angel (except when it’s a trash metal jingle, in which case he obviously doesn’t sound very angelic at all). The man has vocal range and no outstanding warrants for his arrest—that’s the general message we’re trying to convey here.
Once you’ve selected your Jingle Template, we will request that you provide us with the lyrical content you would like for Fred to incorporate into the finished product. We will not proceed without you submitting your desired lyrics. We will never use the lyrics you provide. This refusal on our part to accommodate your wishes is integral to the process. It establishes us as the dominant, authoritative figure in the transaction.
We supplant your lyrics with our own, then provide these lyrics to Fred. We offer no guarantee that Fred will use these lyrics. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes he produces abstract instrumental jingles that don’t fit any of the prescribed Jingle Templates. Fred pretty much marches to the beat of his own drum, which is made of duck-billed platypus. He’s one of those visionary-artist-savant-Home-Depot-refugee types that you just don’t really question the methods of.
Personal Theme Jingles
The Personal Theme Jingle (PTJ) is a new concept we’ve recently unveiled. Effectively, what the PTJ does is encapsulate what it is that makes you you into a 7-to-26 minute composition consisting mostly, if not entirely, of a repetitive phrase that achieves something like proto-fascist gravitas right around the 3-minute mark.
If you’re worried that there isn’t anything remarkable enough about yourself to truly warrant a PTJ, then fear not. Even the most insignificant people in the world can benefit from a Personal Theme Jingle. We encourage our PTJ clients to identify with the mythic representations of themselves that the PTJ avows. Picture yourself stopped at a traffic light with your own bluegrass jingle declaring your infinite coolness being blared through your sunroof. Better yet: picture yourself stopped at a traffic light with your own bluegrass jingle declaring that you are stopped at a traffic light with your own bluegrass jingle blaring through your sunroof. Metajingles!
Frequently Asked Questions
How long is an “extended” jingle?
An extended jingle is however long or short you want it to be, provided that you don’t want it to be shorter than 7 minutes.
I can’t help but notice that you state that Extended Jingles, Inc. is “here to offer an alternative to the banal, truncated corporate jingle.” Is this your attempt at clever, self-reflective irony?
How long does it take to have an extended jingle produced?
Fred operates under an intricate schedule determined by a combination of the moon’s phases and his probation officer’s scheduled check-ins, and thus, we regrettably cannot offer any reliable timetable for the completion of your extended jingle.
SUGGESTED READSLet’s Listen to My Favorite Song Together
by Joe Berkowitz (9/13/2010)
Do They Know It’s Christmas After All?
by Henry Alford (1/4/2000)
I Write Short Books About the Popular Bands of the Day. Here Is My Story. (Episode 1.)
by Catherine Zymet (5/29/2000)
RECENTLYSentient Cloud of Poisonous Gas Seeks Companion
by Sam Shelstad (2/27/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Women Who Shame Catcalling
by Wendy Litner (2/27/2015)
List: Existentialist Quotes for Social Media Platforms
by Jim Sabataso (2/27/2015)
POPULARReasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)
List: What a Straight Man’s Favorite Musical Says About Him
by Mara Wilson (2/10/2015)
Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)