From: M. Lynx Qualey
Date: Fri, March 8, 2013
Subject: RE: Open Letter to Arabic Labials
Dear Arab Joke,
As I remember it, my childhood was awash in a sea of jokes about how Chinese people couldn’t pronounce the letter r. The punch line was often “fried lice,” although there was also the ubiquitous, “Me Chinese / me play joke / me go pee-pee in your Coke.”
It’s important to note that what made the kids giggle isn’t really the confusion of the r and the l—even if “fried lice” makes a pretty good visual. Pee-pee is endlessly funny and may suit your purposes, but you’re also going to need a character. In constructing Chinese-centered humor, my age-mates relied on the dull-witted (but crafty) Chinese fellow who could be found urinating in soda.
Fortunately for you, my dear Arab Joke, the Chinese jokes have slowly gone out of style. Currently, there seems to be an opening for a new brand of mispronunciation humor. AJ, this is your chance.
Now, there is absolutely no need to feel ashamed of your impediment. Not many people can speak a foreign language flawlessly. I can talk some funny-sounding Arabic, but unfortunately, now that I’m tarrying in North America, not many laugh.
Perhaps you protest. You remind me that, a few weeks ago, my eldest child had a “cultural concert”, for which I and a hundred other parents crammed into a tiny, cold gymnasium and listened to our children sing in languages they don’t know. One of the songs, sung by the second graders, was “Ahlan w sahlan.” You know, أهلا و سهلا.
Before the song began, we were told that it was inspired by an ordinary Lebanese. This dear soul had apparently begged a famous American composer to please, please go visit his homeland. And the composer, instead of booking a ticket to beautiful Beirut, made a song out of the Arabic for “welcome.”
And the children bust out with:
“A-holin’ w say-holin’.”
Maybe you laugh. My husband didn’t understand it at first, thanks to the echoey sound system and the din of the other parents. I had to lean down and shout in his ear, “They’re saying أهلا و سهلاا!”
“What?”
“أهلا و سهلا!”
Then he listened, and his face transformed. Since you weren’t there, I was grateful to have him.
My son’s school is not without employees from the Levant. Indeed, his classroom teacher is a hard-nosed Lebanese woman who would sooner make a famous American composer sit down to write “I will not mispronounce Arabic words” a thousand times than to ask anyone, much less with dewy eyes, to come visit her “homeland.” I could perhaps have shared the joke with her, but it freezes my blood to think what might happen if I were to step into her classroom and say "a-hole.”
Still, AJ, none of the other parents laughed. It’s a warning to you, as mispronunciation is not so funny all by its lonesome. The Arabic speaker’s p/b confusion can be funny if you put it in the mouth of an English-spouting wannabe, as Egyptian novelist Ahmed Alaidy does in Being Abbas El-Abd, where a character’s cussword turns into “pullshit.” According to Alaidy’s English-language translator, the joke was a b/pitch to translate.
You, like Alaidy, need characters. For an Arab audience, the half-fluent English speaker can work. For non-Arabs, well, you’ve already seen the usefulness of the prudish Arab male (never mind which Arab country!) who confuses “brick” and “prick.” It’s even funnier if you get all scholarly on us, because in English these sounds are called “labials,” which, you know, sounds like “labia.” Arab, labia… the yuk-yuk possibilities are endless.
So, AJ, you might well have a bright future in the American consciousness. Just remember to keep it simple. Try not to give too much cultural or political flourish. How would an illegally detained Arab struggle to properly pronounce “waterboard”? Would he say “waterpoard”? No. Not funny.
— M. Lynx Qualey
From: Greek Prime
Date: Tue, Mar 5, 2013
Subject: Urgent Order
Hello Good Day,
This is Greek Prime. With regards to your Company i am sending this email Regards to order some (BREAD CRATES) i will like to know the type and sizes you have in stock and get me the sales price of one so that i will tell you the quantity i will be ordering, and if you accept credit card as a form of payment. hope to read from you soon about my order request….
Regards,
Greek Prime
From: Irina Raicu
Date: Wed, Feb 27, 2013
Subject: RE: Performance Enhancing Substances in Lit Competitions
You forgot to mention the Plathebo effect.
— Irina
From: Alexandra Uchniat
Date: Tue, Feb 26, 2013
Subject: Tell Kim Rose to shove it!
Dear McSweeney’s,
Similar to Kim Rose, published writer of a recent letter to McSweeney’s [see below], I too enjoy your magazine on- and off-line. However, I will not quantify that enjoyment with the amount of money I may or may not contribute to your publication (shame on you Kim Rose, no one gives a shit about your $100 book club).
I have never been disappointed with McSweeney’s and still am kind of not. I was disappointed with Kim Rose’s letter—why was it published? Why does she hate on “gonna” so much. It’s not like you guys are saying words like “badonkadonk”_ (by the way that’d be fine by me too), or spelling “gas chamberz” as such. In fact, when yous guys wrote “gonna” it made feel familiar to y’all, like you were really talking to me; right to ME! So, I’d like to say thanks for that and that it doesn’t make you sound less educated or careful or anything that you already are which boring suit types relish (i.e. Kim Rose). If I were you, McSweeney’s, I’d be a vengeful bitch and make the next column you publish solely out of “gonna’s”, maybe you would need about fifteen hundred “gonna’s”.
All in all, all I was gonna say is that Kim Rose can shove it.
Love,
Big Al Uch
New York
From: Julia Dillard
Date: Sun, Feb 17, 2013
Subject: A fan letter to Sarah Walker…
You should stop selling yourself short. Your column has improved my life by AT LEAST 112%.
Thanks to you, my mother no longer wears her blow-up neck pillow on airplanes. It has been life-changing, to say the least.
Your column has also helped me become much less self-conscious about shooting coffee and other beverages out of my nose in public. People are much more accepting once I show them your column and they inevitably shoot coffee, or sometimes green jasmine tea, out of their nose.
Thank you, for sharing your invaluable wisdom, and your sense of humor.
Sincerely,
Julia Dillard
From: Aaron Berg
Date: Thu, Feb 14, 2013
Subject: Quarterly submissions
Hi, my name’s Aaron and I have a few questions. I was reading your magazine for guidelines. Is quarterly submissions for fiction short stories? Is McSweeney’s Magazine an actual magazine, or just an online magazine? If it is an actual magazine, would I get a compliment copy (between 1 to 3 copies) of the magazine my work was published in? I know it said I get paid for my work. I was told that this magazine is sometimes read by hollywood producers and executives. That’s cool; do you guys have any knowledge of this?
Hope to hear from you soon
Have a nice day
Editor’s reply:
Yes., we are both a printed magazine (our quarterly) and an online journal. Contributors to the quarterly typically receive two complimentary copies. Hollywood producers and executives have been known to read both the quarterly and our website. Same goes for Hollywood teachers, store clerks, nurses, firemen, librarians, and singing telegram delivery people. So yes, we are very well-read in Hollywood, Florida.
From: Jeff Moses
Date: Tue, Feb 12,
Subject: If my submission is rejected
Will you tell me why it sucked or do you use a default, polite declination? I would do the latter, but I’m lazy like that.
Cheers,
Jeff
Editor’s reply:
We get hundreds of submissions a week, but when time allows we make an effort to politely tell submitters why their stories sucked.
From: Barb Nelson
Date: Fri, Feb 8, 2013
Subject: IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON
Yes, indeed it is. I just ran into your article IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS by Colin Nissan, while surfing for a gourd book titled … you guessed it …“Decorative Gourd Art”. Although I am a serious gourd artist and teach the craft, I just gotta tell you, I never laughed so hard in my whole life. That was so funny it had me in tears, with my sides aching from hysterical bouts of laughter. My dog is sitting here wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
I’m going to a Gourd Society show next week and I’ve printed out Mr. Nissan’s humorous post to share with the gourdheads at the event. I have to wonder if they’ll have the same reaction, or if I’ll be looking for another venue to vend my booth. Whatdaya think?
Thanks for the laughs,
Barb Nelson
From: Adam Webb
Date: Wed, Jan 23, 2013
Subject: 42
Holy shit the new issue is fantastic! This is perhaps my new favorite issue (I don’t know, I really loved 25). That’s all.
- AW
From: Kim Rose
Date: Tue, Jan 15, 2013 at 6:46 PM
Subject: January newsletter
To: letters@mcsweeneys.net
Dear letters-to-McSweeney’s reader,
I am a huge fan and supporter of your company and lovely publications and a subscriber to your “book of the month club” series ($100/year) for several years. I love receiving your newsletter, and I often recommend your books (and cool sales) to friends, etc.
BUT, I must say reading your newsletter today disappointed me and motivated me to write this email. As writers and publishers I was disgusted when I read this:
adult-story-for-children / enchanting piece of work for any person, ever. It’s heavily discounted in our store, and for a limited time, we’re gonna offer it as the first book for every new McMullens subscription, too.
“gonna”? “gonna”???
While it may be possible this word has now been added into official English language usage volumes, I find its use in written text almost offensive. PLEASE as a distributor of fine writing and ideas, don’t destroy the language in your own newsletter.
Thanks for considering this request in the future. I realize there’s the argument of language “evolution” behind this but as far as I am concerned the word “gonna” is a prime example of language deterioration and erosion.
Sincerely,
Kim Rose
Kyoto, Japan
From: Peter Holtje
Date: Tue, Jan 1, 2013 at 11:57 AM
Subject: “Wi-Fi- Hero”
Macs, (Mike Lacher)
I’m 77, and for the last 72 years, I’ve read a mountain of (un)important writings. I even took an Evelyn Woods’ Reading Dynamics course so I could read more in less time.
But the piece attributed to you in the Sept 2012 RD, “The Wi-Fi Hero” absolutely blew me away. The story was interesting, but the writing was absolutely the finest I’ve ever come across.
Keep my address, and send me any future writings that you consider even just close to the referenced piece.
Peter Holtje
