Letters Home From the Corporate Retreat.
BY Jeff Wysaski
Hi! It’s me, mom. How are you? I am terrible! I hate this corporate retreat and want to come home real bad! It’s been raining all day and my cabin smells like frogs. I miss you guys sooooo much. Can you send your Aunt Vicky to come get me?
We got assigned our team-building groups today. My group is dumb, except for Karen from HR—she’s cool. She watches The Bachelor on TV too! The boss got mad at us for talking during his “Bridge to the Future” lecture. I know he’s in charge of the company and I’m supposed to respect him and all, but I am SO sick of hearing him talk about “leveraging” this or “unsiloing” that. I’m sorry, but his vision for change is dumb.
Thanks so much for sending the 100-calorie cookie packs! I ate one right away and hid the rest under my pillow for later. I think Rajeet from accounting saw me hide them though. If he eats my cookies I’ll be so mad!!
P.S. They put Canadian bacon on the pizza here. Blech!
I went on a zipline! It finally stopped raining so we got to go and do the ropes course. It was scary, but fun. Plus, I think it really helped me learn the importance of teamwork and personal accountability in the workplace. My team leader says we’re only as strong as our weakest link. And you know what? He’s right! The ropes course really helped put it all in perspective.
Anyway, my team’s about to go build a boat out of plastic trash bags and rubber tubs so we can race it across a swimming pool—gotta go!
A guy named Wendall came and gave a speech about diversity in the workplace. I had trouble concentrating though because he is SO cute! You should have seen the tie he was wearing—it was so hot! I know you both still think boys are gross, but I want him to be your new daddy real bad!
Also, Rajeet ate my cookies. Please send more.
Wendall kissed me! Don’t worry, it was closed mouth and only for a second. I even kept my eyes open. We walked down to the docks after the evening breakout sessions and he held my hand. He is so nice and funny and smart and considerate and cool—not like your real daddy at all! I hope you get to meet him.
Tomorrow is the last day of the retreat. I don’t want to go home! I’ve made so many friends from so many different departments of my office—and our company is so big I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again. But me and Karen exchanged e-mail addresses and pinky swore we’d send each other funny chain letters every single day. I can’t wait to send her a picture of a cat doing something cute. I just know she’ll reply with some really sarcastic comment! Anyway, see you tomorrow. Oh, and I asked Wendall to come over for dinner soon. Hope that’s okay.
SUGGESTED READSLetters from the Frontline: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Edition
by Sam Burnett (4/1/2010)
Thoughts on Mothers, Collected But Not Published by Good Housekeeping, Part One.
by Genanne Walsh (7/8/2002)
Thoughts on Mothers, Collected But Not Published by Good Housekeeping, Part Two.
by Genanne Walsh (7/9/2002)
RECENTLYA Public Service Announcement on the Perils of Living With Instant Gratification Syndrome
by Katie Bo Williams (12/4/2013)
Interviews With People Who Have Interesting or Unusual Jobs: Alayna Pine Pretended She Was Sick
by Suzanne Yeagley (12/4/2013)
Tim Carvell’s History’s Notable Persons Reconsidered: Nero
by Tim Carvell (12/4/2013)
POPULARJamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)
Retail Therapy: Inside the Apple Store: It’s a Trap!
by J.K. Appleseed (11/21/2013)
It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (10/20/2009)