TYPES OF
PEOPLE AND THINGS
THAT HAVE BEEN SHOT BY
CHARLES BRONSON.
By Seth Fried
Punks
Creeps
Hippies
Well-meaning salesmen
Helicopters
A telephone book
The Constitution
An overweight man holding a torch
A low-budget film
A mirror image of himself
The abstract quality of love
IMPLAUSIBLE CLAIMS
MADE BY VANILLA ICE
IN HIS 1990 NO. 1 HIT
“ICE ICE BABY.”
By Doug Erickson
“Ice is back with my brand-new invention.”
“Turn off the lights and I’ll glow.”
“I rock a mike like a vandal.”
“I’m killin’ your brain like a poisonous mushroom.”
“I’m cooking MCs like a pound of bacon.”
“I go crazy when I hear a cymbal and a high hat.”
“I grabbed my nine.”
“I’m a lyrical poet.”
“My style’s like a chemical spill.”
“If my rhyme was a drug, I’d sell it by the gram.”
“If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.”
DANCE MOVES THE MAN-MOUNTAIN STANDING IN FRONT OF ME AT BEASTIE BOYS LAST NIGHT AMUSED BYSTANDERS WITH AND HOW ONE MIGHT “FEEL” IF ONE PERFORMED THEM.
By Marieke Hardy
THE “TEASE”
(Beckoning with both hands.) “C’mere, you crazy B-Boys! Give me more of that rhyme!” (Suddenly breaking away to “pshaw” and wave in opposite direction.) “No! It’s too much! Back to the stage with you three!”
THE “YOU GO, GIRL!”
(Pointing finger repeatedly, nodding head in approval.) “That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!”
THE “JAGGER”
(Hands on hips, pouting, shaking of head.) “Now, these fly couplets are simply too much for an old rockin’ daddy to bear! Cease at once before my leggings split!”
THE “RAISE THE ROOF”
(Palms facing the ceiling as if to shield self from falling debris caused by burning of roof. Please note: The roof has ignited due to hotness of performance.) “Ow! Those pieces of burning timber are searing my skull! But I cannot tear myself away from this scintillating show!”
THE “HIP-HOP HOORAY”
(Raise hands in air and wave with certain degree of nonchalance.) “I am so white right now! But seeing you three Jewish rappers on stage is making me feel incredibly black!”
THE “DON’T MIND ME, I’M WITH THE BAND”
(Alarmingly gesticulating in the manner of a teenager with epilepsy posing for a series of “rap” photographs.) “What’s that you say? My turn to bust out some killer beats? Why, yo! Bum-rush the show! I gots mad skills!” (Repeat, ad-lib, fade.)
