Teddy Wayne is the author of the novels Kapitoil and The Love Song of Jonny Valentine.
BY TEDDY WAYNE
If you love someone, set them free; beforehand, fasten an irremovable GPS tracking device around their ankle, or, better yet, implant a microscopic version in their skin tissue while they’re unconscious. Maintain vigilant observation of them, recording historical patterns of both daytime and nighttime movement. If they still haven’t returned within six months, assemble a crack squadron of former SEAL Team members and launch a daring midnight mission to recover them. Once they are in your possession again, realize that, this whole time, you were experiencing pronominal confusion of the singular “someone” with the plural “they” or “them.” This is why he or she didn’t come back on his or her own, and why you will forever be alone: because of you’re poor grammar. (I’ll be alone, too.)
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