Masterpiece Theatre’s Missed Connections.
BY DAVID HART
GENTLEMAN IN FRILLY SHIRT
WHO WHISPERED AFFECTIONS
Glanced at you from across the room at the dance. You brushed past me, the edge of your shirt flickering across my arm. Did you reveal your love for me in that murmuring as you passed? Rumor has it that you have been sent to the frontline. I shall wait for you on my fainting couch and listen to my maid-nurse recite poetry, but all I shall hear love’s call from you.
AFFLICTED BY VAPORS WHEN
SEEING YOU ON HORSEBACK
A fortnight ago I wandered the family gardens. In the distance I spotted you on horseback, rugged but gentlemanly. I was overcome with the vapours and you cried out, “Take care, my good lady!” before riding off. Come quickly, I’m dying from cholera and the kiss of a true love is said to be a healing balm.
MY HEART SAYS YES BUT MY STATION SAYS NO
I was invited to the Dingleduke Manor and enjoyed an evening of merriment. Of the most memorable delights was the sight of you bringing the third course. Did I notice you dropping three cubes of sugar in my tea in a scandalous manner? I desire you most completely. My station dictates that our love can never be public, alas, for the dishonor our union would bring on my house would be irreversible. Meet me behind the horse-shed and we will couple in a most voracious and private manner.
A WOMAN, READING?!
While walking in the city yesterday my eyes did see the most unusual of events. An unattended woman was bolding strolling down the street, reading a broadsheet. Zeus’s beard, this modern world and its claptrap of progress! To make matters all the more confusing, this young maiden looked in my direction and smiled, a brazen display normally suited for woman of the night. I hope to see you again so that I can set you straight and rap you on the hindquarters with my cane, you unholy child!
LAW CLERK IN A LOIN CLOTH
The theatre can be a delightful diversion and recently I revelled in taking in an amusing story of savages. My heart (and my fan) were set aflutter at the sight of a young man in a loin cloth climbing the set in search of treasure, his haunches nude brazenly. The next morning while attending to a family matter at our attorney’s office I spotted what I presume to be the same young man, given the nature of the overwhelming hysteria within my petticoats. I drop my handkerchief in your direction, sir.
SUGGESTED READSPledge Drive Postmortem
by judy b. (4/28/2010)
List: If Medical Conditions Were Like Masterpiece Theater and Sporting Venues
by T.G. Gibbon (1/31/2000)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Whites of Jim Lehrer’s Eyes
by Ben Skoch (1/9/2004)
RECENTLYIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
A McSweeney’s Books Interview with Courtney Moreno, Author of In Case of Emergency
by Courtney Moreno and Erin Minnick (9/23/2014)
Reviews of New Food
by Various New Food Tasters (9/23/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
A Generic College Paper
by Jon Wu (9/19/2014)
Best Joke Ever: Mitch Hedberg: Hippie Martian Zen Genius
by Mark Peters (8/28/2014)