[Originally published September 27, 2004.]

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The Great Gatsby

Gatsby follows this chick Daisy to South Padre Island for spring break. While jet-skiing, he finds out that she has already hooked up with his buddy Tom. So he hooks up with this other girl, Mabel. When Mabel’s husband finds out, he suggests a three-way.

Hamlet

Got MILF? A wealthy bachelor falls for an older lady named Gertrude. Then he finds out that his buddy’s sister Ophelia has got the hots for him. Who should he choose? Are you kidding me? Why should he choose?

A Tale of Two Cities

Two identical dudes fall for the same chick. The chick is none the wiser that there are two dudes, so they can both get the chick and get a little action on the side. Was it the worst of times? No way, it was the best of times, dog.

Little Women

Four young ladies living in the middle of nowhere. When one of them dies, the other three have to comfort each other. They start with hugging and kissing each others’ tears away. I think you know what happens next, friend.

The Grapes of Wrath

A bunch of guys get together to ride their motocross bikes across the country to California to find girls. When one of them gets hurt, they stop in wine country and meet girls named Rose and Sharon who agree to “nurse” the injured guy back to health.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

A long poem which neatly captures the dilemma of the modern man: plagued by indecision, bewildered by women, wondering how to connect with others. The poet asserts that all men must ask themselves, finally, the heart-rending questions “Do I dare disturb the universe?” and “Do I dare to eat a peach?”

If by “peach” you mean “pussy‚” Maxim says belly up to the bar, J-Man.