Barry Raynor is out 2-3 weeks with a concussion sustained in a Wednesday morning meeting.
Victor Paulson tested positive for Adderall, steroids, cocaine, and HGH during a random drug test. Suspended two weeks.
Julia Freeman got into an altercation with a coworker during orientation. They were told to break it up and then patted on their butts by their boss.
Management terminated accounting supervisor Bryan Taylor after determining his pending murder charges proved too much of a distraction at Shaw Capital.
Congratulations to our CEO for a brilliant acquisition, after which several board members dumped a water cooler over his head. The contracts were completely destroyed and we are looking for a new conference table due to water damage.
George O’Brien was fined $30,000 for excessively celebrating a great parking spot in the office lot.
Federal authorities issued a statement saying that although Shaw Capital’s insider trading scheme was illegal, it is not reviewable by replay and therefore the profits will stand.
Without singling out anyone in particular, this is just a reminder that getting down on one knee to pray to God in the middle of a performance review is at best a distraction, and frankly it raises a lot of questions about your progress here at Shaw Capital.
As the result of an ongoing strike, we’ve hired new replacement supervisors to prevent a company wide lockout. We’re confident high school math league students can effectively oversee our multi-billion dollar corporation while we determine a way to screw the supervisors out of a few thousand bucks.
Troy Benton, a legendary collegiate-level insurance salesman, surprisingly wasn’t hired by any marketing firms despite posting a very impressive LinkedIn profile this year. He will continue to sell insurance door-to-door as a senior.
Congratulations to Stu Foreman for a long, storied career with our company, as he retires at age 28.