Mom Takes Children’s Songs Literally.
[Originally published January 11, 2010.]
What do you mean, she’ll get here “when she comes”? That’s not a time. How can I plan around that?
And we’ll all have chicken and dumplings? All of us? Even you three vegetarians? Who’s going to be cooking these dumplings anyway? Remember that time I made pierogies? No, I bet you don’t remember that.
Okay, someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah. What is this, a guessing game? And no one’s going to be “strumming on the ol’ banjo” in my house. I’m not stupid.
You are not a little teapot, honey. You’ve just got my hips. I’m sorry.
You’re paying far too much attention to that very, very small spider.
No, you can’t put a person in a pumpkin shell. Really, I’m starting to worry about you.
Is the old man snoring? Or is he in a coma? Because if he bumped his head and can’t get up we need to call someone. And it’s going to be tricky since it’s raining. And it’s pouring.
Well nobody asked you to carry a banjo all the way from Alabama.
I don’t care how many of them there are, get the monkeys out of the bedroom!
Again with the old man. Tell him to leave your thumb alone. What the heck is “knick-knack”? I thought he was snoring a minute ago.
A snowman is marching through town? Are you drunk?
What are you talking about, “how I wonder what you are”? It’s a star. You just said it was a star.
GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TREE. NOW.
What are you doing asking a sheep if it has wool? And I hope that’s not the same lamb that’s been following Mary around.
That’s a lot of pressure, telling someone they’re your “only sunshine.” Are your ready to take that step?
What? The bridge is falling down? For Christ’s sake stop singing!
SUGGESTED READSShort Essays on Favorite Songs, Inspired by Nick Hornby’s Songbook: “Wonderful” by Everclear
by Mike Cisneros (2/3/2005)
No Fear of Flying: Kamikaze Missions in Death, Sex, and Comedy: The Things I’ve Kept
by Michelle Mirsky (7/16/2012)
List: Richard Rodgers’ Neighborhood
by Sam Thielman (12/21/2004)
RECENTLYThe Old Farmer’s Almanac Predicts “We’re All Fucked” This Winter
by Kimberly Harrington (12/1/2015)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives
by Marti Jonjak (12/1/2015)
List: Talking Points for Meeting to Discuss Titles for the Next Now That’s What I Call Music! Album
by Jameson Doris (12/1/2015)
POPULARThe Four Horsemen of Gentrification
by Zain Khalid (11/3/2015)
Monologue: An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk
by Amy Rolph (8/4/2015)
Monologue: As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian
by Pete Reynolds (11/18/2015)