My Pitches for Future Christian Holiday Animated Films.
BY Miles Kahn
An adorable animated ash cross (“Ashy”) escapes from the forehead of a busy record executive who must learn the true meaning of Ash Wednesday (note to self: look up meaning of Ash Wednesday). Think Seann Williams Scott for the record executive and Dionne Warwick as the voice of the cross.
A young, aimless boy complains about going to church for Palm Sunday. Dragged there by his parents, he sneaks away to the church basement where he discovers a magical pile of adorable talking palm fronds. When he touches one of the palms he is instantly transported to England in the year 1710 where he is stoned as a heretic. McG to direct.
St. Pat’s Day
An adorable bunny pisses beer.
Good, Better, Best Friday
Musical comedy about the crucifixion of Christ—but from the point of view of the cross. Think Happy Feet meets Passion of the Christ with a dash of Showboat (note: check on rights to The McCoys’ “Hang on Sloopy” for closing credits).
Lent: The Abstainening
A spinoff of Ash Wednesday, Lent celebrates the magical time of fasting. We follow an adorable collection of talking Omaha steaks who must wait 40 days until they can be delivered and eaten by the pious and lovable O’Malley family in Montana. But when their gift basket is accidentally shipped to a family of secular Jews on the Upper West Side of New York, the steaks must go on an adventure of a lifetime, trekking across the country to make it to Montana in time for Easter. There’s the heroic T-bone (Clooney or Pitt—whoever is cheaper), the alluring fillet (Amy Adams), a cowardly porterhouse (Ray Romano) and a plain-spoken chicken fried steak (Larry the Cable Guy). Special appearance by Sir Ian McKellen as a wise cup of gravy.
Ever wonder what an Advent calendar does when no one is around? Well you’re about to find out in 88 magical minutes!
Hop 2: Happy Bappy Easter
In this magical musical adventure celebrating the Spring holiday season, “Bappy,” a chocolate police bunny, investigates the brutal killing of a nun while struggling with his personal demons and crack addiction. But Bappy’s mettle is truly tested after he is confronted by a mob thug who demands $150,000 in gambling losses. Bappy continues his downward spiral of drugs, corruption and illicit sex until he is finally gunned down by Hispanic hit men in his car, teaching him the true meaning of Easter. Music by Randy Newman.
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