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New Food Mashups.
BY Miles Kahn
Doritos Locos Tacos
Taco Bell on the inside and Doritos on the outside! There’s no turning back now, America!
Olive Garden’s Unlimited Salad
and Breadsticks and Whoppers
The King of Burgers meets the Prime Minister of Sides for this Bunga Bunga party in your belly! Now with Real Salad!
Denny’s Moons Over My Hormel Hammy
This American favorite features delicious ham, scrumptious eggs and two different types of cheeses on grilled sourdough bread. Served on top of an uncooked Hormel ham!
Starbucks Caffé Mocha Grobachino
The original chocolate Frappuccino is back, now with an infusion of unsold ground-up Josh Groban CDs!
Panera Bread’s Three-Cheese Cinnabon
Take the artisanal goodness of Panera’s Romano, Asagio, and Parmesan bread and trick that shit out with a big load of frosting from Cinnabon.
Pepsi with Coke
It’s pretty much just Pepsi with Coke in it.
Cold Stone Creamery’s Birthday Cake
Doritos Locos Tacos Remix
How could we possibly improve upon our decedent Cake Batter Ice Cream, oozing with brownies and fudge? What if we just mashed in a few Doritos Locos Tacos? Sorry. We’re running out of ideas.
Panda Express’ Beijing Beef-Za
Panda’s Executive Chef, Andy Kao, took this Sichuan-style classic and plopped it on a Sbarro’s pizza.
Chick-fil-A’s Magnificant Spicy Jamba Chicken Sandwich
and Mango Smoothie
We start with our classic spicy chicken sandwich, pressure cook it in 100% refined peanut oil, and jazz it up with a dill pickle and Pepper Jack Cheese. Then we throw the whole fucking thing into a blender with, I dunno, a mango, some wheat grass and what the hell – five Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups.
KFC’s Famous Jelly Belly Bowl
I seriously don’t know what else we can do anymore. I mean, it’s gotten to the point where you fatties are now eating this shit ironically. Well guess what, plump-ster? Your Urban Outfitters T-shirt doesn’t fit anymore and everyone can see you unbuckling your pants when you sit down. Look at yourself in the mirror—take a really hard look. No one wants to fuck you anymore. So we might as well add some Jelly Belly brand jelly beans to these things and call it day. You disgust me. In white or dark meat!
SUGGESTED READSList: Philosophical Fast Food Quotations
by B.R. Cohen (6/1/2001)
List: Things You Don’t Expect to Find on a McDonald’s Reader-Board Menu
by Jonathan Shipley (3/4/2005)
Open Letters: An Open (Love) Letter to Taco Bell’s Crunchwrap Supreme
by Roxanne Paris (5/4/2006)
RECENTLYThe Future of Dating
by James Warner (4/15/2014)
Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Taxes
by Teddy Wayne (4/15/2014)
Monologue: An Accountant Helps a Manic Pixie Dream Girl With Her Taxes
by Maura Quint (4/15/2014)