Dear Parent/Guardian,
We are pleased to offer your child a pre-kindergarten placement for the 2015-2016 school year at:
Digester Eggs, Newtown Creek, Brooklyn
To accept this placement, please gather proofs of identification and immunization and proceed to the corner of Greenpoint and Humboldt Streets. There you will be met by Anubis, jackal-headed guide of souls and Guardian of the Scales. He will weigh the heart of each student: those deemed lighter than an ostrich feather may continue on to registration at the Eggs. Those deemed heavier or in possession of non-organic cheddar bunnies will be eaten by Ammit, Devourer of the Dead, at the nearby Lake of Fire.
Dear Parent/Guardian,
We are pleased to offer your child a pre-kindergarten placement for the 2015-2016 school year at:
Battery Kessler, Fort Tilden, Queens
To accept this placement, please proceed to Rockaway Peninsula (Gateway National Recreation Area) and lose the straight way. Once you are in a dark wood, wait for the DOE-appointed lion, the leopard, and the she-wolf to arrive. They will assail you until your guide, Virgil, is available to take your child’s paperwork and conduct you down to the Battery, which is buried under the dunes.
Please note: Baby strollers, push carts, and hope are not permitted in the Battery. Kindly abandon them at the gate marked “Lasciate ogne speranza.”
Dear Parent/Guardian,
We are pleased to offer your child a pre-kindergarten placement for the 2015-2016 school year at:
Arthur Kill Ship Graveyard, Staten Island
To accept this placement, please proceed to the stream of Oceanus via the Outerbridge Crossing until you reach the place described by Circe. Once there, slit the throat of a ram to summon Tiresias, whom you will know by his golden staff. Even if you are gripped by pale fear, refrain from discussing G&T prep courses or offering the blood of the ram to the shades of the dead until Tiresias has completed the school registration. Once he has finished, you may let the shades drink dark blood, and make your honey-sweet return.
Dear Parent/Guardian,
We are pleased to offer your child a pre-kindergarten placement for the 2015-2016 school year at:
Ghost Station, Westchester Avenue, Bronx
To accept this placement, please send your reply via the ravens Huginn and Muninn, who will make a home visit at a time that is known only to Odin. Please be aware that it is discovered that the student in question does not reside in the stated zone, the DOE will have no choice but to sacrifice his/her parent to the battle-swine of Freyja.
There is no need to make an in-person registration, as this historic Cass Gilbert station has been bricked up for decades.
We look forward to welcoming you to pre-kindergarten in the fall — it’s going to be a great year!