On Collecting Tiny Physical Replicas of Former Lovers.
BY NOAH TOURJEE
Is a doll collection constructed around failed romantic pursuits right for you?
This is a question I have a lot experience with and which I’ve asked myself ritualistically throughout the years. I know the answer, of course—any sane person would know the answer: it depends. Allow me to go over the different factors you should consider before making this important decision.
Do you have an appropriate display case?
1. To an extent this is based on personal taste. It also depends on what quality of doll you’re looking for. For instance, if you want rare but incredibly cheap, a scrapbook for paper dolls would be an example of a low investment with some possibility of a high return.
2. Remember that you need to spend money to make yourself feel better. Don’t cut corners. And don’t forget to mount the case with heavy-duty hooks designed for the appropriate weight.
Does your financial situation merit the hefty cost
a decent doll collection demands?
1. Be honest with yourself: What kind of play will you be engaging in with your doll collection?
2. If the play is considered heavy, you will need to factor the consequential damages into future expenses.
3. If you’re only interested in what would be considered as light play, are you certain an entire collection is necessary?
What kind of doll experience
do you need to satisfy?
1. Is this something you can successfully and satisfactorily create with limited resources? (Ex. paper dolls.)
2. Is this something you want more substance and longevity with? (Ex. durable, heavy plastic dolls.)
3. Are you willing to have a second set of remembrance-only dolls? (Ex. high quality, but fragile, porcelain dolls.)
Do you have proper resources to replace extremities, clothing, and personal belongings of the dolls?
1. Do you know if it is more affordable to invest in an entire new doll, or does your local craft store carry extra arms, heads, and legs?
2. If your dolls are allowed to have their own possessions, do you have access to reimburse them with equal items should something happen to a belonging during heavy play time?
Will your friends understand?
1. Do you have overly judgmental friends?
2. Are your friends in committed, so-called “healthy” and “stable” relationships?
3. Are you willing to hide your collection if a friend who poses a threat to it invites himself over unexpectedly?
4. Are you sure you have the right friends anyway? Beware of cheerful people: they will pollute your pure mind with their distorted view of reality.
These are just some of the many questions you need to ask yourself before you begin your doll collection. Don’t make too much of this list—I almost always consider it a wise decision to go with your instincts and get a doll collection. Not only will the collection offer you the rare opportunity to see tiny physical replicas of the people who have wrongfully broken your heart all lined up in a row behind glass in your apartment, but it also allows you complete and total control over their existence in an entirely legal way. The joy that could have come from the dream-like relationship you once envisioned with so-and-so, but never experienced because they were blind and selfish and completely sick PALES in comparison to the joy that you will experience playing with your dolls. Trust me. In addition to making you feel better, this collection will likely make others feel better as well. You will no longer have to treat strangers the way you wish you had treated Him or Her. Imagine: no more screaming fits. You’ll be able to go forth into the world, while all your skeletons remain at home, out of the closet, dressed in realistic doll-sized clothing, and human color-treated hair for authenticity. Watch as your exes battle it out for survival in an arena of your own design. Instead of a victim you are a Dark Lord who can serve justice with an iron fist or simmering skillet. And when they’re good, what will you do then? Is it time to reward your village, or teach them what it feels like to NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH?
Or, you know, whatever you want to do with them. It’s up to you. Just throwing a few random ideas out there. Good Luck!
SUGGESTED READSBlack, Grey, Green, Red, Blue: A Letter From a Famous Painter On The Moon
by Ben Greenman (1/7/2002)
List: Lines of Star Wars Dialogue If Obi-Wan Kenobi Had Been Really, Really Depressed
by Greg Knauss (7/9/2001)
by Sean Hewlett (7/7/2006)
RECENTLYButterball Help-Line Help-Line
by Alysia Gray Painter (11/25/2015)
Alphabetically Organized Relatives: A New Contest from Amy Krouse Rosenthal and McSweeney’s
by McSweeney's Books (11/25/2015)
Doing Science: The Wonkiness of Pure Bloodlines, and Their Unexpected Upsides
by Emily Helliwell (11/25/2015)
POPULARThe Four Horsemen of Gentrification
by Zain Khalid (11/3/2015)
Monologue: An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk
by Amy Rolph (8/4/2015)
Monologue: As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian
by Pete Reynolds (11/18/2015)