People Say I’ve Changed.
BY MICAH CRATTY
People say I’ve changed recently, and it’s not just because I spent two months in the casket of Ra, soaking up his powers. I mean, sure, that probably has something to do with it, but it’s tangential at best. It’s true, I didn’t used to be able to call down pestilence from the heavens or raise souls from the underworld, but that’s not what people are noticing. OK, so you might be distracted by the crackling aura of my power, or by the growth of my beak, but it’s the changes _in_side of me that are truly remarkable. And I’m not just talking about my ability to crush things with my mind.
It’s hard to see my maturity as a human god-being through the piled bones of my enemies, but if you look beyond them you’ll realize that I’ve gone through some remarkable growth. You might think that vanquishing armies with targeted meteor strikes or subjugating the nations of the world to my despotic rule shows my changes, but really it’s what I learned from that.
My changes didn’t just happen all of a sudden—other than the horns; those did sprout up out of nowhere—it was a process. When I was on the fields of Athenry, raining boiling acid on the plague-ridden people of Ireland, I thought to myself, “Damn, this is some heavy shit.” (Forgive my language.) It might have been a one-time thing, but it happened again a week later when I was flooding Vancouver with the foam-capped waters of the Pacific. As the citizens desperately tried to reach higher ground, I had to step back and gain some perspective, man. I had just unleashed a flock of flesh-eating vultures when I really took stock of things. I mean, there I was, already the emperor and beloved deity of half the world, but was I happy?
I don’t think it fully sunk in until a month later when the last free remnants of humanity tried to resist me in Jakarta. Between bouts of laughter over their attempts to fell me with mortal weapons, I realized my place here. I quickly set off the Merapi volcano and, as the lava chased my foes into the waiting mouths of my shark servants, I retreated to the temple my vassals built out of human skulls, for some serious reflection. I thought to myself, What is the point of global conquest if you have to melt the brains of your closest friends to get there?
Now, I know you’re probably thinking that it’s pretty convenient I went through this realization after I enslaved the human race, and several lesser races, but I really have changed. Just the other day, a rebellion flared up in Rio de Janeiro and I only ordered the sacrifice of half the rebel families (and the deaths were painless, too!), a complete 180 from last month in Orlando.
I want to assure you that from this point forward I plan on being the best Supreme God and Ruler of the Planets Earth and Mars that I can be. I’m thankful you took some time out of carving Mount Everest into my likeness to listen to what I have to say. It was difficult to get that off my chest, but you were a very supportive audience. Have a pleasant three-hour night rest period.
SUGGESTED READSWhat’s Gone, What’s Past Help
by Stephany Aulenback (4/16/2002)
by Stephany Aulenback (8/22/2002)
The Stoner Gods are Angry
by Greg Paulos (12/16/2010)
RECENTLYIt’s Time to Celebrate the 15th Anniversary of the Release of Our First Book, The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature.
by John Hodgman and Neal Pollack (9/1/2015)
Norse History for Bostonians: The Prose Edda for Bostonians: Gylfaginning, Part XV
by Rowdy Geirsson (9/1/2015)
List: How to Hide from Your Friends at a Restaurant
by S.A. Murison (9/1/2015)
POPULARFirst Faculty Meeting of the Year Bingo
by Lisa Nikolidakis (8/25/2015)
“Hell is Empty and All the Devils are Here”: A Shakespearean Guide to the 2016 Republican Primary
by Emily Uecker (8/6/2015)
Donald Trump, Through the Ages
by John Flowers (8/13/2015)