[Originally published June 14, 2000.]

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Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite aspect of computational linguistics?

A: PARRRsing sentences.

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Q: Of which concept shared by Jungian psychology and Northrop Frye’s literary theory are pirates especially fond?

A: ARRRchetype.

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Q: Who’s a pirate’s favorite member of the creative team behind 32 Short Films About Glenn Gould?

A: Don McKellARRR.

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Q: Of all of Richard Harris’s many achievements in the performing arts, which is a pirate’s favorite?

A: “MacARRRthur PARRRk.”

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Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite alliance-creating diplomatic agreement from the Second World War?

A: The TripARRRtite Pact.

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Q: Which ancient Greek lyric poet do pirates like the best?
A: PindARRR.

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Q: If a pirate were to recite one of the Olympian odes by the aforementioned poet, which one would it be?

A: The XIth Nemean Ode, “To ARRRistagoras, the Prytanis of Tenedos, son of ARRRchesilaus.”

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Q: If that same pirate were then to recite a 20th-century poem about the nature of poetry, what would it be?

A: “ARRRs Poetica” by ARRRchibald MacLeish.

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Q: What if he went on to recite a poem by Sir Walter Scott?

A: “LochinvARRR.”

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Q: Why does that pirate keep reciting poetry, anyway? Is he some sort of Nancy-boy?

A: Aye, ’tis a Nancy-boy he be. Arrr.

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Q: Of the ghosts that appear to Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, which do pirates prefer?

A: Jacob MARRRley.

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Q: Can we replace that last one with something about Bob Marley, so we can have an additional gag about RastafARRRianism?

A: No.

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Q: Whom did the pirate vote for in the Haitian election?

A: ARRRistide.

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Q: Wait. Why did they let a pirate vote in the Haitian election?

A: Remember, the nation was taking its first halting steps toward democracy, and balloting procedures were rather chaotic. The pirate just slipped in somehow. Arrr.

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Q: I don’t buy it. Pirates care nothing for participating in the electoral process.

A: Look, can we finish this up soon? I’m having those phantom pains in my wooden leg.

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Q: A phenomenon first described in the 17th century by which important contributor to the field of amputation surgery?

A: Oh, this is getting ridiculous.

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Q: Just say it.

A: Ambroise PARRRé.

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Q: You can go now.

A: Arrr. Nancy-boy.