“Planet Hoth gets ‘Hiroshima’d.’ (Bitchin!) Skywalker visits Yoda. Solo and Leia french. (Righteous!) Lando Douche-rissian betrays everyone. (Go Boba Fett!) Darth & Luke discuss morality. Mr. Vader’s ‘Daddy Curveball’ mixes feelings. (Paternity test.)”

My 15-year-old cousin recaps the primary plot points of The Empire Strikes Back (requisite editorial comments included). Also, a mnemonic for the professional football players who have appeared on the cover of EA Sports’ Madden NFL video game (Peyton Hillis, Garrison Hearst, Barry Sanders, Vince Young, Shaun Alexander, Larry Fitzgerald, Ray Lewis, Drew Brees, Eddie George, Brett Favre, Dorsey Levens, Donovan McNabb, Michael Vick, Daunte Culpepper, Marshall Faulk, Polamalu—Troy).