Please, For the Love Of God, Stop Doing My Exercise Program.
BY BOB POWERS
Hey there. Thanks for popping in this DVD. As you’ve done at the start of every previous workout, you should give yourself props for embarking on the next tier of FuriousFit, the ultimate exercise regimen and nutrition program to achieve peak personal fitness through strenuous stamina training. Today’s workout is going to be a little bit different because I have been required by law to implore you to please stop doing my high-intensity cross-training fitness program!
If you haven’t seen the news, you’re probably assuming the reason FuriousFit has been banned by law is because the program doesn’t work. Wrong! In fact, FuriousFit has been proven to work so well that my wife Shannon and I are presently facing charges of domestic terrorism and accusations that in our effort to perfect the human body we were on a mission to mock God. How’s that for results!
When Shannon and I created FuriousFit, we weren’t trying to cause nationwide havoc or birth what many are calling the “Race Of Otherman.” We did it with the belief that the human body can always do more. By increasing work capacity over broad time and modal domains, no matter what shape your body is in, that body can improve. Lots of people took our philosophy really seriously, and those people kept improving their bodies, trying to do just a little bit more with every workout, and they achieved such a high level of fitness that those people are presently laying waste to large swaths of New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta, even Miami Beach! And some of those people, who are being called rampaging monsters by the media, started out as puny, flabby couch potatoes! This program is for everyone!
No matter what the media and the Senate investigative committee say about FuriousFit, they can’t change the fact that a lot of people dropped pounds! People like you. You felt the burn! You were excited to drag out your old jeans, to wear that sexy dress again. If you’re one of those FuriousFit people, you have a right to be proud of what you’ve achieved. And if you’re one of the people who have taken to ripping trees out of the ground because gym free weights are no longer challenging enough for you, all thanks to the constantly-varied, intense workout training of FuriousFit, you should be proud too! But you should also take your own life for the safety of your neighbors and loved ones.
You’re probably at home in your sweats with a lot of questions. Like, if I can’t do FuriousFit, how can I keep the pounds off? Why am I starting to grow a tail from my coccyx bone? And is it true what they said on the Internet, that you and Shannon were actually working for a military research lab trying to turn the entire American population into a race of weaponized humanity?
I’ll answer the last question first. FuriousFit was born out of love. That book, and all these DVDs, they were born from my and Shannon’s love for each other, our love for each other’s bodies, and our love for your body. Shannon and I were certain that with the right program of high-intensity functional movements, structured in just the right way, the human body could be strengthened and sculpted into a model of fitness previously unimaginable. And the night I watched Shannon burst through the wall of our living room as easily as she might’ve slipped through a beaded curtain, and sprint across the front lawn like a locomotive, all the while releasing growls from her lungs so loud and bone-chilling that they could stop a charging bull in its tracks, I realized, hey, this thing really works!
I never saw Shannon again after that night, at least not in person. But now, whenever I see her on TV, gnawing on the corners of skyscrapers and swatting at attacking gunships, I just wish I could talk to her one last time and say, “Baby, we did it, and you’re lookin’ good!”
Right now I’d like to remind you that if you have a radio in the house, please turn it on so you can listen for alerts from the emergency broadcast system. If you don’t have a radio, keep a cup of water within sight so you can watch for the surface ripples should one of the FuriousFit mutants stomp near the perimeter of your residential area.
Great! Back to the program, and back to you promising to never ever engage in any part of the FuriousFit workout again, under penalty of full prosecution under the law. I know that right now you’re probably feeling unsure about what to do to achieve your fitness goals in a way that won’t lead either to your incarceration, or your transmogrification into a warped tangle of fat-free muscle piloted only by the instinct to destroy. Insanity Workout? P90X? Sure, if you like a workout that leaves your body feeling condescended to.
I’ll be honest with you guys. Shannon and I tried those other workouts, and they are what drove us create FuriousFit. We wanted a real workout, for people like us. People who were serious about the sweat.
Our own program had one simple, and in retrospect, regrettable guiding philosophy: “Your body can do more.” You’re working out six days a week? Your body can do seven. You’re down to 900 calories a day? Then your body can live on 800. Some say we went too far. That we shouldn’t have had our athletes go from squatting free-weights to squatting the weight of a Hyundai Sonata. That when one level was sprints on a treadmill, the next level shouldn’t have been sprints across eight-lane rush hour freeway traffic. Those people wanted to put limits on your body. And you know, as a FuriousFit athlete, your body can do more.
In a few months a court is going to try to find me guilty of crimes against my country. But I’ll only plead guilty to one thing. I’m guilty of creating a workout program built on functional movements performed at maximum intensity, and that program worked. The fact that FuriousFit addiction became a widespread epidemic is testament to the program’s success. You guys loved this program. You loved telling your coworkers about it, saying, “Hey bro, make your body do more. Get furious with me.” People started doubling up memberships at separate FuriousFit gyms to multiply the gain. You guys were hooked, and it’s gonna be hard for you to quit.
I’ve been told that to convince you to give up FuriousFit, I should tell you all the program is complete, and you’re now officially certified FuriousFit graduates. I’ve been told I could get a lighter sentence if I do that.
But I can’t do it, bro. They can arrest me, but they can’t make me lie to you. You don’t graduate FuriousFit. Strength training isn’t something that just stops when you’re given a certificate. There’s no endpoint to a progressively increasing gain in endurance, not until you’re six feet in the ground. I don’t want to go to jail, but I can’t betray the program. I can’t betray your bodies. And I can’t betray my Shannon.
She’s the true FuriousFit athlete. She’s still out there, yanking herself arm-over-arm up the suspension cables of the Brooklyn Bridge, until she reaches the top and searches for a hawk to grab out of the sky and eat. Then she’ll go looking for a taller bridge. A faster hawk. Always looking for the way to make her body do more. That is the FuriousFit promise fulfilled.
Climb. Climb my dear. Climb higher.
SUGGESTED READSNotes for the Director of My Kickass Workout Video
by Chas Gillespie (5/19/2014)
Exercise Fad: Kid Crossfit
by Jamie Allen (5/6/2010)
Modern Yoga Poses
by Sarah Flick (8/6/2010)
RECENTLYSo You Want to Get Into an MFA Program: A Decision Tree
by Rebekah Frumkin (9/16/2014)
A McSweeney’s Books
by Courtney Moreno (9/16/2014)
Monologue: Alexander Graham Bell Has Had Just About Enough of Your Shit
by Charlie Stockman (9/16/2014)
POPULARClassic Movies Changed to Not Be Sexist
by Blythe Roberson (8/14/2014)
Hello Stranger On the Street, Could You Please Tell Me How to Take Care of My Baby?
by Wendy Molyneux (8/16/2012)
Best Joke Ever: Mitch Hedberg: Hippie Martian Zen Genius
by Mark Peters (8/28/2014)