Short Imagined Monologues
Send your short imagined monologues to email@example.com.
Pole Dancing With Paula Deen, Y’all!
BY Erin Hershey
Welcome to Paula’s Pole Party, y’all! I’m Paula Deen and I am just tickled to have you with me today. Now, does anybody here still think that nice girls don’t pole dance? ‘Cause y’all are out of your crazy minds if you do! Us Southern girls love a good twirl ’round the ole sexy stick, and like my brother Bubba says, every day you can splay your legs on the right side of the dirt is a good one!
So today we’re just gonna have fun, y’all, and let that sex-kitten side of ourselves come out. I’d like to teach you one of my very favorite pole moves: the Buttercake Spin. It’s such a pretty move, y’all—your legs are going to look just like egg-beaters fluffing through a bowl of cream cheese!
OK, so let’s start by holding our poles with our right hands and just walking around them. Slow and sexy, y’all—NOT like we’re running to the front of the buffet line, but more of a sultry prance—that’s it! Play with your hair, feel the music … have fun with it. Look at your pretty selves in the mirror, girls—and don’t think about how your ass looks like a plastic bag full of Momma’s chocolate dippy donuts … think about how SEXY you are! Think about how your Peepaw is going to see you in those clear heels and just want to lick you up like a fried butter ball! And, prance! That’s it!
Y’all are looking great ladies—now let’s work on our spin. Let me show you what it looks like … whoops! Looks like I got a little too much bacon-cheeseburger meatloaf grease on my hands—don’t that beat all! Girls, if you’ve put on any lotion or have eaten one of my gooey toffee cakes today and still have hydrogenated oil seeping out your pores, y’all are gonna want to wash it right off. Let’s try that again.
OK now, you’re going to grab on to your pole about head-height, swing yourselves out and WRAP your body around the pole—that’s right, just wrap yourself around it like a slice of bacon ‘round an ear of sweet corn. Good, y’all! Now kick up that outside leg and float around to the ground … nice and light, just like you’re folding mayonnaise into sour cream. That’s it!
Now don’t anybody worry if you don’t get it right away and you sink down to the floor like a big ole drumstick in the fryer. It ain’t going to come as easy as my first husband on prom night! Just keep practicing, y’all—soon you’ll be ready for inversion moves and kickin’ those legs up to high heaven!
Well, we’re almost out of time for today, but I’m just delighted that y’all swung by. Don’t forget to visit my online store for brand new merchandise—you can order a sweet lil’ pair of Paula Deen Butter Wrangler Booty Shorts© or a sassy pair of my Hoecake Hooker Boots© with just one click!
One last thing, gals: I don’t know about y’all, but when I was growing up in Georgia without a pot to piss in, I may have thought about using a pole move or two like this to keep butter on my beer biscuits, and that’s the honest truth. But now, with multinational media contracts and a rabid, cotton-haired fan base, I can keep my nickels in the bank and my goodies in the kitchen. And I wish the same luck to y’all. Love and best dishes!
SUGGESTED READSThis Week’s School Lunches
by Peter Bebergal (2/28/2000)
Come Join Our Prayer Group-Slash-Cheese Tasting-Slash-Orgy
by Jon Methven (9/22/2010)
Alternate Names for Ruth’s Chris Steak House
by Colleen Werthmann (3/22/2000)
RECENTLYBream Gives Me Hiccups: Restaurant Reviews from a Privileged Nine-Year-Old: The Ashram and Mom
by Jesse Eisenberg (12/12/2013)
McSweeney’s Advent Calendar Recommendations!
by McSweeney's (12/12/2013)
Reviews of Self-Help Books by Professional Athletes: Olympian vs. Texas Department of Corrections: A Review of On the Right Track by Marion Jones
by Miles Wray (12/12/2013)
POPULARI Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled
by Melinda Taub (5/18/2011)
Retail Therapy: Inside the Apple Store: It’s a Trap!
by J.K. Appleseed (11/21/2013)
Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)