Position Papers from the Apple Pie and Machine Guns Institute
Stuart Winchester is the founder of the Apple Pie and Machine Guns Ronald Reagan Free Markets Institute for Freedom, Patriotism and the American Way (APMAG), a far-right think tank dedicated to preserving our nation from the nefarious influences of liberalism in all its odious forms.
Position Paper #2:
In Defense of Todd Akin.
Hyperventilating liberal pundits have been tripping over their recycling bins to see who can express more outrage over Missouri Congressman Todd Akin’s recent analysis of a woman’s reproductive defenses. This came as no surprise to those of us at APMAG, to whom the Left’s ongoing war on science has become as familiar as liberal bias in political election polls. While the elite media turns its attention to frivolous matters such as the trafficking of minors into prostitution and the extinction of magical white bears in the North Pole, we offer a vigorous defense of Mr. Akin’s comments.
First, the facts: on Aug. 19, Mr. Akin, responding to a gotcha question by a reporter inquiring after his views on abortion, explained, “It seems to be, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, it’s really rare [that a woman is impregnated by rape]. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.”
That this is a plain statement of fact should be obvious to anyone who bothers to actually break down what Mr. Akin is saying. First, he cites experts in the subject of conception and the female reproductive system. Notice the phrase, “… from what I understand from doctors…” Doctors—for those of you unfamiliar with the profession because you lack health insurance and we are not yet living under the full oppressive storm of Obama’s socialist government takeover of the medical industry—are experts on the human body. So, if anyone understands the complex processes of human conception, it is these people, not hysterical journalists.
Second, the congressman cites actual science: “…the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.” For fact-happy liberals whose perpetual witch hunts for falsehoods in conservatives’ every utterance is as vital to their existence as their morning tofu, this detailed scientific explanation is clearly insufficient. Instead, with typical elitist arrogance, they blather on with platitudes about how centuries of scientific study have yielded a complete understanding of the female reproductive system.
In fact, new and ongoing research1 has verified that God indeed designed a woman’s reproductive system with robust defense mechanisms to safeguard their eggs from fertilization by rape sperm. This biological fact can be verified simply by studying the series of slides below taken with a high-powered electron microscope designed by our friends at the Jesus Institute for Science2 . Just as the human body activates white blood cells to repel infectious disease detected in the bloodstream, it launches special defenses when rape sperm is ejaculated and travels into the cervix, as shown below:
Note: Similarity to modern U.S. military uniforms and equipment is entirely coincidental.
Startling to the layman, perhaps, but the fact that tiny people live inside each human and coordinate our thoughts and actions has in fact been established biological doctrine for two decades, since the 1990s serial documentary3 Herman’s Head unveiled this heretofore unknown wonder of anatomy to an astonished network television audience.
The Seal Team 6 of the female reproductive system is hardly a one-trick wonder, however. Rape sperm that slips past these front-line defenses into the uterus must then navigate a very tricky maze:
Those who pass into the fallopian tube must then outrun McFlame, the Fastest Truck Alive:
… then fight through a band of highly trained ninjas:
While the likelihood of navigating this female fortress is only slightly more probable than the chances of finding an edible recipe in an organic cookbook or a union employee engaged in the act of working, the female egg is more than capable of fending off any sperm that slip through. It is a well-known fact that many people believe that George Lucas based his design of the Death Star in Star Wars on diagrams of a woman’s unfertilized egg. One need only compare the two side by side to see the obvious likeness:
Photo Source: http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Death_Star
As anyone who has fulfilled their American duty of watching every Star Wars movie can attest, the Death Star is not some limp-wristed fairy machine that can have its face beaten in like a certain overwhelmed and under-prepared desert nation whose ass we have repeatedly kicked over the past two decades. It cannot be destroyed with a fusillade of Tomahawk missiles or even a direct nuclear attack. No—to blow up the Death Star, the Rebels had to send in Luke Skywalker in a fucking X-wing fighter. Do we really need to explain how overmatched a single rape sperm is compared to a Jedi knight piloting a motherfucking X-wing?
With this evidence so plainly laid before us, the question must be asked: if a woman is naturally so well equipped to repel rape sperm, then why do so many women who claim to have been raped become pregnant? Mr. Akin of course addresses this point, carefully pointing out that he is referring only to “legitimate” rape—that is to say, forcible, contested sexual activity, rather than a morning-after act of shell-shocked history redrafting by a woman who had too many wine coolers and seeks a scapegoat for her intoxicated sexual rampage. Putting aside the fact that women who are home vacuuming or preparing their husband’s supper are rarely raped, the truth is that most of what we as a society currently call “rape” likely falls into the latter category.
It is clear that Mr. Akin’s statement was simply a homespun4 explanation of a highly complex and intricate scientific process. That an elite media bent on pushing the U.S. into national decline with the serial re-election of dysfunctional establishment Democrats would move with such coordinated force to smear an honorable public servant is no surprise. Why anyone would believe them, however, is beyond comprehension.
1 Things that I’m making up as I go.
2 Full disclosure: the founder of APMAG also runs The Jesus Institute for Science.
3 By “serial documentary,” we mean “poorly rated fictional sitcom.”
4 Anything that is “homespun” contains the folksy wisdom that lives within the vast majority of Americans, and therefore expresses an unimpeachable truth.
SUGGESTED READSPosition Papers from the Apple Pie and Machine Guns Institute: Position Paper No. 1: A Constitutional Ban on Gay Marriage
by Stuart Winchester (9/20/2012)
The Jim’s Organic Smut Acid Story
by Matthew Duverne Hutchinson (12/14/2011)
Position Papers from the Apple Pie and Machine Guns Institute: Position Paper #7: Fracky New Year
by Stuart Winchester (1/22/2013)
RECENTLYThis Statement of Purpose Will Blow Your Mind
by Patrick Font and Rome Morgan (2/8/2016)
Hungover Bear and Friends: Aspire to More
by Ali Fitzgerald (2/8/2016)
List: The Magic 8-Ball for Millennials
by Heather Wheat (2/8/2016)