To: The Schuster Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: December 12, 2006

Hi, Katie:

It’s me Sophie from Rainbows Every Day Care! My mommy said I could use the computer to e-mail you! We have such fun at day care, and since I tell my mommy all about you every day, she thought it would be fun for you to come over to my house for a play date! I have lots of dolls and even a big stuffed elephant named Ely! Ask your mom if you can come over and play!

Your best friend,
Sophie

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To: The Schuster Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: December 18, 2006

Hi, Katie:

How are you? I haven’t heard back from you in a week about my last e-mail! Maybe you didn’t get it? My mom double-checked the address with our teacher at Rainbows Every Day Care and it seems to be the right one. But my mommy says the Internet can be unreliable—just like Daddy sometimes (ha! ha!). Anyway, we hope you can make it over to our house soon. My mommy promised to bake us chocolate-chip cookies! Ely is sad that he hasn’t gotten to play with you yet. :-(

Talk to you soon!

Sophie

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To: The Schuster Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: December 22, 2006

Hey, Katie:

Two e-mails and no response! Even an elephant like Ely isn’t that forgetful. ;-) But we’re Jewish and don’t have Christmas to worry about like you and your family. So maybe you’re busy with holiday shopping and planning. That’s understandable, but my mommy says how busy can you be not to e-mail back a response to a very generous invitation written by a cute 5-year-old girl? I mean, what kind of people would be that cold-hearted? Certainly not the parents of Katie Schuster! They certainly know that Sophie adores Katie and just wants to have her come over to the house and play dolls and eat cookies. What’s the big deal?

Sophie

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To: The Schuster Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas, Katie. Hopefully, Santa Claus didn’t give you coal this year for treating your new neighbors poorly. Drop us a line.

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To: The Schuster Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: December 27, 2006

Katie:

Wow. This is really weird and not very nice. My mommy is totally really freaked out about this. She says it’s even keeping her up at night. As you know, my family is new to town and all we want to do is make some new friends. Is that so much to ask? Is it so damn hard to answer an e-mail? Even a polite “No” would have sufficed! But to simply ignore us? What’s wrong with you people?

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To: The Schuster Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: December 30, 2006

Is it because we’re Jewish and you’re German? Are you people that small? Got Nazis in your closet?

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To: The Schuster Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: January 2, 2007

Hi, Katie:

I’m really sorry about that last e-mail—it was way over the line. My mommy and I are just really perplexed by this whole episode. My mommy is contemplating a move back to Rhode Island because she says the people in Virginia probably hate us because we’re Jews from the North (ha! ha! just kidding).

Still your friend (I think),
Sophie

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To: The Schuster Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: January 5, 2007

So Roberta Sanchez told my mommy that your mommy thinks she’s a psycho. Why? Because she expected an RSVP to an invitation to our house for milk and cookies? Maybe your mom’s a bitch.

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To: The Schuster Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: January 7, 2007

Restraining order? Katie, you’d better tell your tight-assed mother to watch her fat ass.

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To: The Schuster Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: January 8, 2007

Hey, Katie, tell your fucking tramp of a mother that she can run but she can’t hide. You might have gotten that asshole administrator at Rainbows Every Day Can Kiss My Ass to revoke my spot and Mr. High and Mighty Chief of Police to come to our house for a visit. (Does your mommy let the chief poke her in the whiskers? Hmmm?) Whatever. We’ll be back. Bet on it. Until then—burn in hell.

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To: The Rizzo Family
From: Gloria Epstein
Date: January 12, 2007

Hi, Angela:

It’s me Sophie from Teddy Bear Day Care! My mommy said I could use the computer to e-mail you! We have such fun at day care, and since I tell my mommy all about you every day, she thought it would be fun for you to come over to my house for a play date! I have lots of dolls and even a big stuffed elephant named Ely! Ask your mom if you can come over and play!

Your best friend,
Sophie