Preview of Summer Camps: Camp Previews Three and Four (in a series of ten).
BY JEFF JOHNSON
Quit Treading on Me!
Von Luxembourg’s Water Treading and Proactive Mule Euthanasia Camp
Your toddlers and young ones have suckled the electronic teat of the TV for too long. They are oafish and small-minded. Juice boxes, the world WILD web, and the shallow thumb entanglements offered by Playstation and other video game devices will not give them the tools they will need to survive in our Godless nation in the upcoming millenniums.
I, Lt. Col. Linus Von Luxembourg (ret-Navy), have made a solemn pact with myself and those who will participate and listen and just plain get involved that we will work to transform your children into skilled, self-reliant, tough (and I don’t wish to alarm you by “tough,” this is not a playground-fight provoking toughness that I am promoting. Just while, God forbid, you are being assaulted or mugged, do you want your child to stand idly, or even request a pastry, or do you want a child-soldier who knows direct pressure points, like the groin and Adam’s apple, and can quickly and efficiently inflict damage on a career criminal who is thinking of your pocket book or your cars, or your Private parts? I think we know the answer. And that answer is “yes.”) beings who can contribute to the last few fibres of decency in the USA.
Starting June 3rd outside of Muscle Shoals, Alabama our goals and dreams will vault into action. I have a 4-acre man-made Lake Von Luxembourg where tents will be pitched and flab will burn right into muscle. Campers will tread water for up to 14 hours a day throughout June. Swimming, people always say, is the best exercise, but not every kid knows how to swim and we, quite frankly, don’t have the time to teach them. Besides, Treading water is good Cardio, and it was good enough for me when I was a SEAL who practiced under-water demolition in the Gulf of Oman on several covert operations in the early ’80s. Treading water gives you time to learn and think about and love yourself, because your head should ideally be above the waterline and even though the sun is a scalding bitch and your muscles fatigue and cramp often, it does let kids think and also listen to my commands and orders and lectures. I will tread along with them sometimes and campers will have evenings to learns songs, go jogging, learn about trees and foliage, knife-etiquette, eat bar-b-que and au gratin potatoes, and drink a tasty carbonated vitamin-enhanced beverage over an open fire that they made themselves.
Once the campers are in shape, in early July they will pair off and portage a canoe from our Alabama site to a sister compound outside of Taos, New Mexico. That is a long way to be sure, but most of them will be up to the challenge. There is not a direct body-of-water system running from Muscle Shoals to Taos, so they will have to be resourceful and rely on the wisdom that I will have provided during their water-treading days. In Taos, each camper will take several days in the mountains to track, stalk, kill, and dismember his/her own mule. These are not innocent animals and there are hundreds of them to be caught. The government has contracted me and my campers to dispose of this mess, because a few years ago several mules were given government tests and they subsequently contracted strong strains of rabies, hepatitis and tooth problems. Now it is our duty to rid the New Mexican mountains of these hateful, scabrous creatures, who wish to do nothing but soil the land, and bite down on human flesh with jagged, yellowing teeth and rabid saliva.
So, what do you think? If your child is done with his/her preschool or elementary school exercises by June 3rd and can attend the camp, will you let him/her? Or will you simply put them in a mini-van full of Ring-Dings and Mountain Dew and drag them to a mindless rollercoaster theme park that will fatten and ultimately depress them and cause our country more problems for the future? The choice is yours.
Linus Von Luxembourg
Camp Owner and Counselor and “friend”
Cost: $2,500. Scholarships/Hardship avail.
June 15-July 30
Weekly Sessions $349
Taped to lockers at St. Cloud High School, 5/22/00:
Mr. Weeshof here again. I know, I know you’re ready for summer vacation to kick in. Well, guess what? Me too. But this is just a note about what I have been mentioning since, oh, I don’t know, last fall!!! And it is for achievers, and more importantly S-MEGA (Sales and Marketing Education Groups of America) Achievers and Strivers (of all levels). Gang, frankly, some of you worked hard this year, and some of you, well, just came to class. No big whoop, but for S-MEGA achievers—i.e. the kids who really want to take it to the next level, the kids who sold, and sold, and sold Chippie mascot sweatshirts, t-shirts and power towels when our wrestlers went to state, to the kids who saw what was going on with the Tart N’ Tiny inventory and acted swiftly and accordingly, the kids who got the plaque from David Zanyrton at Beich’s promotional chocolates division for all the sales of their CRISP, CARAMEL, and MILK CHOCOLATE bars due to Mr. Blanton’s emergency need for supplemental lawyering fees, the kids who stuck around and helped out on clean-up after our successful AirJam 2K alcohol-free New Year’s Eve party (I know a lot of you could have been skiing or sleeping, or gotten into champagne and narcotics because of the new year partying and whatnot, yet you chose to be loyal to the burgeoning anti-drug campaign here) and to the kids who worked closely and feverishly on our Pretzel Time/Mall of America information gathering field trip (getting parental sig’s., bidding on coaches and accommodations for me, ‘cause I had the flu) these are the kids who I want to represent themselves, me, and St. Cloud High School at this summer camp. Don’t say you are too poor, because there is a scholarship—mentorship program available and I know that you’ll just be tanning by a pool anyway. Some of you I know can’t go, because I’ve already arranged a mentorship—apprenticeship at Contempo Casuals in Fridley for you. But the rest of you, take heed:
1) Weekly camps.
2) Beautiful Cabins.
3) Weekly in-kitchen and marketing reps from Wendy’s, Arby’s, Sbarro, Olive Garden, Shoney’s, Hardee’s, Hot Sam, Orange Julius and Fanny Farmer.
4) Evenings off to swim, play chinese checkers, other board games (no tv’s) and listen to my delightful acoustic guitar work. (Think Loggins and Messina, perhaps you’re too young though) S-MEGA teachers from Edina, Burnsville, Duluth, and Rochester will also round out the staff.
5) Daily seminars with real managers and rep’s from the GAP, Old Navy, Coca-Cola, T.J. Maxx and Target. We have some seasoned pro’s coming. They’ll walk you through several different areas: displays, folding quickness, till accuracy, store up-keep, and a special VCR tape called, “The Theory Behind Store Hours in Middle America.”
6) Confrontation Consultation with Jim Uduro from KayBee Toys in Minneapolis. You might remember Jim from coming to class in October. He’s got a great presentation on theft, embezzlement, those obnoxious customer queries that are hard to deal with, and what do in case of store fire, and accidents involving blood or broken limbs or possible cardiac arrest and death of employees or customers.
7) It is in the woods. So it will be quiet and carefree. Bring Mosquito repeller.
8) No parents! The camp is co-ed too!
9) Bring notebooks, pens, (laptop cpu’s if you have them, but don’t be too showy or look down on those who don’t) clean clothes, swimsuits, towels, deodorant, soap, shampoo, tooth paste, tooth brush, and stuff like footballs or softballs and small radio/CD players. Oh, and a willingness to learn, learn and then learn some more.
10) Plenty of quizzes, tests and activities to sharpen your skills. Kids, this is the first time you’ll say, “That was a fun quiz,” or my name isn’t Mr. Weeshof.
For the rest of you complainers or non-tryers please don’t bring your stinky attitudes to camp and infect the rest of us Strivers and achievers. While the camp will be fun, it is not a place to sluff off, or try to sneak into the woods for a cig, or canned alcoholic beverage. But even if you got a C or worse from me this year, but still want to try to make a new level for the 00-01 school year, this is the perfect opp. to do it. Level one Strivers can bump up to Level two Strivers if they attend this camp. And Level two Strivers (probably didn’t get a C or worse because they were working hard for me) but I’ll be sure to bump you to a level 3, if you come and get fulfillment out of the camp.
See me in #107.
SUGGESTED READSPreview of Summer Camps: Camp Previews One and Two (in a series of ten)
by Jeff Johnson (5/19/2000)
Kids’ Letters From Terrorist Camp
by Bob Woodiwiss (12/7/2005)
Instructions for the Best Camp Closing Ceremony Ever
by Ann Imig (8/12/2011)
RECENTLYI Feel Like NPR Doesn’t Like My New Radio Show Idea
by Dan Kennedy (4/24/2015)
How to Find Love: Lessons from an Old Maid: Letter to Adults Who Are Also Having Zero Sex
by Connie Sun (4/24/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Former Owner of My Queen-Size Bed
by Catherine Tung (4/24/2015)