Send your list submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Proposed Additions to the Internet Lexicon.
Acromatic: (adj) A state of instant messaging such that an excessive amount of acronyms are employed.
Example: “She’s almost obnoxiously acromatic, can’t tell if it’s cute or not…”
Break the ice: (v) To make the opening statement of a premiere IM conversation, after which a chat history ensues.
Example: “Finally broke the ice with Hannah last Thursday. I was nervous but it was good. Seemed like any pauses were b/c we were both working or whatever. Didn’t feel awkward at all.”
Carpet bomb: (v) User, in an inebriated state, comments in a rapid fire manner on every status update on his/her Facebook news feed. Can also include excessive Twitter replies or mentions, and/or excessive commenting on blogs.
Example: “This is embarrassing, I totally carpet bombed Facebook and Twitter last night, I’m afraid to sign on today.”
Cold turkey: (v) To intentionally go an extended period of time sans contact with the Internet.
Example: “I’m going cold turkey this year in Cabo San Lucas. Totes need it.”
Crash and burn: (n, v) An unsuccessful attempt at breaking the ice in the case that both parties are hoping to start a long IM relationship. Typically, crash and burns proceed in an enthusiastic manner until a pause that both parties, in an unaffiliated manner, deem as awkward. Crash and burns often end when one user signs off unannounced. Online contact between two parties is unlikely after a crash and burn.
Example: “God, we crash and burned so hard. Obviously we wouldn’t get along IRL.”
Crossfade: (v) User unintentionally contradicts point other chat user was making while “[name] is typing…” is displayed in the chat box, other chat user stops typing and deletes contradictory point, then agrees with user’s contradictory point. Usually accompanied by “lol” or “haha.”
Example: “Ah I keep crossfading on her! I dunno ’bout this working IRL.”
E-bail: (v) The act of letting one’s chat status go idle upon receiving an IM from an undesired chat user.
Example: “Shit, he just messaged. I gotta ebail. ttyl.”
E-facepalm: (n, v) User unintentionally contradicts point other chat user was making while “[name] is typing…” is displayed in the chat box, other chat user publishes message without first seeing contradictory point, both parties proceed to partially rescind their respective claims. Usually accompanied by “lol” or “haha.”
Me: oh you finally met him
what do you think
Tina: yeah at the redwood
Me: did you liek him
he’s so annoying imo
Tina: he’s so cool!
Me: oh lol
Tina: haha i mean he is kind of annoying
Me: no lol, i know what you mean
Extend the party: (v) The act of returning from a night out inebriated and attempting to mimic being surrounded by individuals by signing on to all of one’s social networking websites and enthusiastically updating and interacting with users on each.
Example: “Yeah last night I was up till like 4 trying to extend the party. I fucking carpet bombed just about every site I could think of. Ended in a conspiracy internet tunnel.”
Ice: (v) To leave a chat by signing off without issuing a parting phrase, e.g. “bye.”
Example: “Yeah I don’t know what’s up with us. Last night we had an argument and he iced me. I’m kinda worried.”
Internet tunnel [or ‘internet k-hole’]: (n) Impulsive-yet-not-random, thematic internet navigational trajectory that leads a user through various websites or pieces of content that include a variety of media (i.e. text, pictures, animated GIFs and video) in such a manner that when one ‘emerges’ from said tunnel, one is viewing something entirely unrelated to the ‘doorway’ (first piece of content in tunnel). Popular tunnel themes include porn, conspiracy, creepy, Wikipedia, and apocalypse scenario.
Example: “Lost four hours this morning to an internet tunnel. Can’t even remember why I got online…”
Jonesing: (v) Experience of intense anxiety/anticipation as user moves physically closer to device, which s/he had been away from for over an hour, which will allow user to re-up on information published on his/her social networks and oft-frequented websites.
Example: “Get out of my way I’m jonesing!! Give me that iPhone!!! Argglgleglhhghhh!!!!”
Lame ass: (n) Twitter user who dedicates 75% or more of his/her tweets to retweets, made in earnest solidarity, of celebrities’ tweets.
Example: “The lame ass won’t stop clogging up my feed with shit from Will Smith, I dunno why I even follow him.”
Let one slip: (v) User opens up IM conversation with something unintentionally awkward.
Tina: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
whoa sorry caps
Loose cannon: (n) User who makes undesired information public on social networking sites.
Example: “Careful bro. She’s a loose cannon. When Tim was dating her she fucking posted a link to a vibrator on Amazon she wanted him to buy her on his Facebook wall. Dude doesn’t even know how to work Facebook’s privacy settings, either. Total disaster.”
Mom: (n) Female user who uses social media predominately to inform those in her network about the activities of her children.
Example: "I followed her until she became a total Mom. I’m like, ‘I don’t give a fuck that your kid just crapped his pants!’”
Picobsessed: (adj) Afflicted by urges to take photos solely to post to one’s photo sharing feature of his/her social networking websites in an unapologetic manner. Picobsessed user is also likely to be a serial tagger.
Example: “Ugh, isn’t she that picobsessed brunette? I’m not hanging out with her.”
Re-up: (v) Checking email, social networking websites and oft-frequented websites after extended period of time having not checked them.
Example: “Damn. Feel so much better now that I just re-upped. Needed that so hard.”
Run on empty: (v) The feeling that all of one’s social networks have been exhausted of new information, leaving the user in an “empty” state of boredom, refreshing websites repeatedly, perhaps.
Example: “Hook me up with some links bro, I’m totes running on empty.”
Serial tagger: (n) User who engages in excessive cataloging and tagging of Facebook photos.
Example: “Shit, see that guy over there? He’s a total serial tagger, stay out of his way if you don’t want a bunch of out of focus shots of you all drunk showing up on your page tomorrow. Dude’s notorious.”
Wallflower: (n) User on one’s chat list who s/he will never chat with.
Example: “Oh yeah, I know him. He’s one of my wallflowers. He seems like a cool dude, from what I’ve heard at least.”
SUGGESTED READSGod Texts the Ten Commandments
by Jamie Quatro (6/3/2009)
Updates to the Newspeak Dictionary, 2013
by Michael Levy (5/29/2013)
The Society of Pain
by Will O'Neill (9/20/2010)
RECENTLYDear Aunt Rose Comma Thank You for the Speech Recognition Software Exclamation Point
by Eric K. Auld (12/5/2013)
Judy Blume in Conversation with Lena Dunham
by The Believer (12/5/2013)
List: Things Not to Bring to a Gunfight
by Darci Ratliff and Ian Carey (12/5/2013)
POPULARJamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)
Retail Therapy: Inside the Apple Store: It’s a Trap!
by J.K. Appleseed (11/21/2013)
It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (10/20/2009)