1.
HILLARY CLINTON
Pro: Known commodity; strong fundraiser.
Con: Polarizing; unlikely to woo those already opposed to her.
2.
BARACK OBAMA
Pro: Articulate; resembles foxy actor Blair Underwood.
Con: L.A. Law was kind of overrated now that you think about it.
3.
JOHN EDWARDS
Pro: Has strong appeal to working-class voters.
Con: As a resident of two Americas, he must raise twice as much money and spend twice as much time campaigning.
4.
BILL RICHARDSON
Pro: Appeals to all Latino voters with the last name “Richardson.”
Con: New Mexico is legally part of Mexico; therefore, he’s constitutionally ineligible.
5.
JOE BIDEN
Pro: Technically still running for president.
Con: Dude. Come on.
6.
DICK CHENEY
IN AN ELABORATE LATEX DISGUISE
THAT TAKES FIVE HOURS TO APPLY
Pro: Trojan horse, my friend. Trojan fucking horse.
Con: Ruse would be so exciting that he would surely drop dead of a massive stroke about a month before Iowa.
7.
OPTIMUS PRIME
Pro: Size; power; ability to emit short-range optic blasts.
Con: Potential attack ad: “Sometimes Optimus Prime is a robot, other times a truck. Which is it, Mr. Prime? America deserves a leader that doesn’t transform whenever it’s convenient.”
8.
ROSS PEROT
Pro: Hilarity.
Con: None.
9.
DENNIS KUCINICH
Pro: Solid anti-war stance; adorable; strong to the finich.
Con: Election laws limit magical pixies to only one term in office.
10.
JIMMY CARTER
Pro: Nobel Prize winner; available; just as good at not knowing what the hell to do about Iran as anyone else.
Con: Judging by photos, approximately 415 years old.
11.
ALLEN IVERSON
Pro: Instant offense.
Con: Selfish with the ball; may have lost a step.
12.
IRA GLASS
Pro: Thoughtful; self-effacing; like many Americans, enjoys cable television.
Con: At present, no budget line item exists for moody introspective music to underscore every statement president makes in order to make it sound more poignant.
13.
BONO
Pro: Knowledgeable about global health issues; everyone seems to like him; Joshua Tree album.
Con: Too busy hugging everyone to actually execute the duties of office; no one likes the sound of “Vice President the Edge” or “Secretary of Health and Human Services Larry Mullen Jr.”; the whole “Zoo TV” thing.
14.
AL GORE
Pro: Knows how to get to the White House, where to park, location of restrooms.
Con: Wants to accomplish something meaningful.
15.
WALTER MONDALE
Pro: Has spent last 22 years going over tape, reviewing mistakes, plotting, scheming, waiting, watching, preparing to pounce like a 79-year-old Minnesotan panther.
Con: None.
16.
JESUS CHRIST
Pro: Could draw some initial interest from the Christian right until they research his actual positions in a deeper way; likable; strong leadership qualities.
Con: Unkempt; pretty far left; messianic complex.
17.
THAT ONE GUY WHO
SEEMED REALLY COOL
Pro: Remember? He was a senator or congressman or something? It was a while ago. He seemed super-smart but also normal. I saw him this one time.
Con: Crap, what was his name? Or was it a lady? Do you know who I’m talking about? Crap.
18.
ZOMBIE LYNDON JOHNSON
Pro: Could sway red-state voters as well as Fangoria crowd; ’60s-era campus unrest has died down.
Con: Tendency to groan instead of talk could hurt chances in live debates; constant need to feed on fresh brains could limit campaigning.
19.
OPRAH WINFREY
Pro: Popular; influential; could rally the silent masses already violently opposed to Jonathan Franzen.
Con: May only exacerbate nationwide Maya Angelou plague that has decimated much of the nation.
20.
YOU
Pro: Gained valuable exposure as Time magazine’s Person of the Year; seems to be Internet-savvy.
Con: Ever since the Time thing, you’ve been awfully smug.