Short Imagined Monologues
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Ralph Waldo Emerson Pitches the Snuggie on the Home Shopping Network.
BY Mira Hayward
You are cold. Today’s man is not a Spartan. Our age is one of comfort; we leave it to our ancestors to suffer the sleet and snow. And why should it not be so? Why should man succumb to antiquated ideals of machismo? Surrounded by all modern technology places at our feet, what reason have we to deny progress, to fall backwards instead of grasping the future?
Blankets speak of a fall backwards. Our fathers and grandfathers praised blankets. In days past, blankets spoke of home and fireplaces in front of which yesterday’s man could bask. You are not yesterday’s man. Rather, you are an American Comfort Seeker. Prometheus begat you. Hence, an ancestral fire burns in your body, pushing you to find warmth and coziness. Hence, you have realized that: abused, blankets give rise to that most dreaded disruption of comfort, the cold arm.
Be innovative. Be revolutionary. Settle not for the ideas of past—these ideas are of the past and for the past. I subscribe not to the solutions of ages before: this is a new age, but the snow falls also today. And therein lies the problem—how to perfect the blanket without losing the value of the blanket?
The Snuggie answers this question, resolves this quest. Warmth of heart, warmth of arm, warmth of leg, warmth of foot, the Snuggie brings these and more. Complete your everyday routine without ever removing the Snuggie. Is there not the divine in these actions? Does not the distillation of comfort in this ingenious sleeved blanket reveal that there truly is a deeper meaning to the most mundane of our actions? Ignore those requirements that society puts upon you, whilst in your Snuggie—why change your clothes if the Snuggie covers them, why bathe if the Snuggie absorbs all odors—and instead focus on what is truth and what is sacred. In this way, the Snuggie frees you from the temporal realm and sends you into the spiritual. Once the formerly necessary become the opposite, what remains is what you have been seeking: true comfort. Say unto the world “I have found the truth, and the truth is the Snuggie, and I shall obey none other but such.” Pure comfort elevates, it enables one to ignore petty wishes and wants and to see the core of life, to grasp this core and live your life with it and by it. Comfort of the external self is comfort of the internal self, and complete comfort cannot be fulfilled without the Snuggie. It is a new age, a time of innovation, of experimentation, and the new man which you are becoming would be lost without a Snuggie.
But, a man might say, what man is lost without a possession? Should we not be the possessor of ourselves, not the possessed of the possessions? Yes. But the Snuggie is not a possession; it is the embodiment of an ideal. For this blanket with sleeves to warm anything put before it, for this blanket with sleeves to need no other blanket to finish its work, for this blanket with sleeves to be pure and singular and unlike any other blanket, is that not also what we strive for? Everest is called a mountain, but it is more than that. It is an achievement, it is a wonder. As is the blanket with sleeves a blanket, but so much more. Yes, reviewers may question the fashion of the Snuggie. But as a man, to another man, that is the past. That is one opinion—will you conform yourself to it? Will you let the words of others become your words? No, you will not. Exist in the present, as yourself, with the Snuggie.
Study these words, these criticisms, but do not accept them. Challenge them. Strip them bare and take the bones for yourself, to build your own words. And the words that you will create will not be ones of the masses, but ones of the individual. An individual who embraces the new, who welcomes the change, who is you.
The Snuggie weds the past with the present. Everything is united, a chain of the inventing of inventions, the improvement of inventions. Embrace the past, but make it your future. Order today.
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