Dear Hiring Team,

I am applying for the position of manager I found posted on Craigslist. I was drawn to your advertisement because you mentioned the “family-like” vibe of your company.  

My qualifications for this position are extensive. I graduated from SUNY College in 1980 with a degree in English and jumped straight into entrepreneurship. My business partner and I established a boutique consulting and PR agency which took on a range of clients throughout the years. While I enjoyed all aspects of running the business, the work that truly gave me a sense of accomplishment was management.

We hired our first employee in 1985, adding four new additions by 1993. While the hiring pool was limited to only the DNA of my partner and me, we were relatively pleased with our team a majority of the time.

Because my partner only worked part time for our firm, spending the rest of his time working in the computer science field and pursuing useless personal interests including Ultimate Frisbee, I was solely responsible for all new employee training and ongoing education. New hire training was extensive. After each employee, I would evaluate the results of the training program and adjust accordingly for the most comprehensive workplace introduction in the industry. The basics included communication, writing, reading, management of bodily fluids, and rudimentary ethics including sharing, caring, and manners. A series of incentive programs including raisins, gold stars, and praise released to the public, media, or grandparents kept employees striving to achieve more.

As our firm matured, we branched out into new service offerings including sales, marketing, crisis management, and event planning. The Girl Scout cookie sales push of 1992-1996 proved to be one of our most successful campaigns. My team obliterated our two local competitors, the We Adopted so Praise Us Robinsons and the My Husband Makes Enough Money I Have Time for Yoga Patricks. The two-person special-team achieved an average 16% sales increase each year. Hard work, innovative sales tactics, weekend hours selling at the gym club, and the morale booster of a promised employee retreat to Disneyworld led to our victory.

In the last five years, each member of my original team has left the agency pursuing new interests and setting up their own partnerships. Thanks to my stellar reputation, members of my old team now reach out to me as clients rather than employees, for assistance with various projects including image resuscitation, financial management, and more. For example, I recently provided a complete public relations campaign to revive the image of our most junior employee when he made the gaff of producing his own first employee with a partner he was not yet contractually in business with. This whirlwind project was completed in just 4 weeks, and his now-legitimate partner’s family will never suspect a thing thanks to my many planted facts about early births for women with unusual cycles at key events including bridal showers, baby showers, and a wedding.

After over two decades of managing my own team and running a business, I am interested in moving to a new position with a fresh company and feel I would be the perfect fit for your team. I can offer patience, ethics, hard-work, and a commitment to excellence.

Thank you for your consideration.

Stay at Home Mother of More Years Than You’ve Been Alive