Teddy Wayne is the author of the novels Kapitoil and The Love Song of Jonny Valentine.
BY TEDDY WAYNE
The optimist sees the glass half full; the pessimist sees the glass as half empty; the—oh, wonderful, you spilled water all over my Unpopular Proverbs sheet. Now it’s all smudged, and I have no idea what I wrote before. Great. Just great. Yes, I write it out longhand with a fountain pen. What, I have to use an iPad 5.0 or something for every dumb little task? And yes, I did need to have a half-full or -empty, depending on your perspective, glass of water in front of me as a visual aid while writing this. Are you trying to blame me for this somehow? How would you like it if I sprinkled the few remaining droplets of water—or, another way of looking at it, the 98% air—on your big important brief for work? What exactly do you do, anyway, with your fancy law degree? Okay… okay, we’re both saying some things we don’t mean. Just, in the future, when I have your legal pad out and am obviously working, please be careful around half-full or half-empty glasses of water.
SUGGESTED READSHow to Make Your Own Proverbs
by Russell Bradbury-Carlin (1/8/2004)
List: Rethinking Horse Proverbs
by Joseph O'Brien (5/3/2004)
Obscure Chinese Proverbs
by Dennis Mahoney (11/9/2004)
RECENTLYMurder Beach is Open for Summer!
by Matt Bower (5/27/2016)
List: Ways in Which We Swipe Right After 34
by JoJo Franzen (5/27/2016)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives: Amy Makes it Home, Part 2
by Marti Jonjak (5/27/2016)
POPULARList: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin (5/19/2016)
I Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Obituaries for Teenage Girls If They Actually Died When They Say They’re Dying
by Karen Chee (5/26/2016)