Realistic Google Maps Walking Directions When In A Different Country.
BY ZACH JONES
1. Exit train station, make left… 2 m
2. Continue down Major Street, get used to it, because you’re going to wind up on it several more times… 32 m
3. Make right on what seems to be Correct Street… 1 km
4. Correct Street changes into Completely Unheard of Street, continue down for another 2 kilometers… 4 km
5. Consider taking a taxi, then realize you probably can’t afford to… 20 m
6. Wind up back at Major Street again, ask someone for directions… 10 m
7. Forget how to convert to the metric system… 0 m
8. Make left… 40 m
9. Make right… 100 m
10. Think, “That was too easy”… 10 m
11. Realize you were just pointed to a street with a similar name nowhere near where you wanted to be… 8 m
12. Have someone explain to you how far away you are, consider their suggestion of taking the bus… 4 m
13. Realize you’ve screwed up taking public transportation in America, so it’s not even worth trying it here… 20 m
14. Wonder whether or not you’ll ever find where you’re going, or if you’re destined to wander forever… 1.2 km
15. Shit gets really existential… 0 m
16. Make right turn off of Street You Don’t Know and head down Fuck It, I’m Lost… 1.3 km
17. Realize that Fuck It, I’m Lost turns back into Street You Don’t Know for some reason; try mentally mapping out how that works in your head, giving yourself an aneurysm in the process… ??? m
18. Figure out the right turn you wanted to make in step 3 was actually a hidden downward slope behind the one you made… -1 km
19. Continue on Correct Street, remain pessimistic… 2.6 km
20. Become aware that you are totally taking a gamble of whether or not you’re going the right way… 1.8 km
21. Ask another person for directions… 20 m
22. Hate yourself for being a stupid monolingual American… 2.3 cm
23. Become stressed, regret quitting smoking… 10 m
24. Be glad you quit smoking, because there’s a giant hill to walk up… 0.2 km
25. Get up to the top of giant hill and hate yourself some more… 10 m
26. Become lost again… 0.8 km
27. Go into a fancy restaurant where they don’t speak English… 13 m
28. Panic… 1 m
29. Have it explained to you that you’re 100 feet from the hostel… 30.48 m
30. You’ll find the hostel located on Insignificant Street None of the Locals Have Ever Heard Of
Estimated Travel Time: Way longer than it should be.
Alternate Routes: Just take a damn taxi.
SUGGESTED READSIs the Google Street View Van Really Supposed to Be In My Living Room?
by Jory John (4/19/2013)
Oh, Sweet Toronto!
by Neal Pollack (5/18/2000)
by Randy Cohen (2/4/1999)
RECENTLYLet’s Save Sitting!
by Liza Behles (5/22/2015)
How to Find Love: Lessons from an Old Maid: Halfway Point
by Connie Sun (5/22/2015)
List: Batting Heckles Uttered by the Dad On My Son’s Little League Team Who is a Meteorology Professor and Whose Research Interests Include Cloud-Based Analytics for Spatio-Temporal Data With a Primary Focus On Climate, Hydrological and Ecological Sciences
by Gary M. Almeter (5/22/2015)