Rejection Letters From Xavier’s School Of Exceptional Youth.
BY Jon Fitch
Dear Sarah “Fan Girl” Williams,
We regret to inform you that you have not been selected as a member of this year’s class. Being able to recite, verbatim, the lines from every Orlando Bloom movie, while impressive, is not technically a superpower. Also, the fact that you are prohibited by law from coming within 10 miles of Orlando Bloom might limit our team’s scope of service. Thank you for your interest in Xavier’s School of Exceptional Youth.
Dear Adam “Gutbuster” Connors,
We regret to inform you that you have not been selected as a member of this year’s class. Training to be part of the X-Men team is difficult and, unfortunately, your mutant ability to spew large amounts of mildly offensive fumes from your rectum is somewhat duplicative seeing as we have a janitor named Carl with the same— albeit involuntary —ability. In addition, Wolverine can be rather ripe at times, which, in small confined spaces, might overshadow your talents. Thank you for your interest in Xavier’s School of Exceptional Youth.
Dear Toby “Nose Coral” Buntings,
We regret to inform you that you have not been selected as a member of this year’s class. While your ability to pull an unlimited number of sponges from your nostril is indeed special, we have not been able to discern a distinct tactical advantage to your talent. On a separate note, Xavier’s school is on a tight budget and our janitor, Carl, would greatly appreciate it if you could send him 30-40 sponges at your convenience. Thank you for your interest in Xavier’s School of Exceptional Youth.
Dear Edgar “Boner” Yarmooth,
We regret to inform you that you have not been selected as a member of this year’s class. Wielding a perpetual adamantine 2-inch erection is a most unfortunate mutant power. We fear that its presence would be somewhat awkward in class and is unlikely to be useful in our battles against the Sentinels or the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Thank you for your interest in Xavier’s School of Exceptional Youth.
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