Response To Self Dubbed “Applicant #69” From The Elite School For Yoga Enthusiasts.
Thank you for applying for advanced study at our acclaimed institution. As our policy dictates in its generous karmic spirit, I write to you to detail the finer elements of our decision. I regret to inform you that, despite your apparent enthusiasm, I must decline your application for the myriad reasons listed below.
First, to answer your query, the female instructor pictured on our flier is in fact a member of our establishment and not a hired actress-slash-model (or an “HAMW,” to use your acronym, which I determined through close scrutiny of your application to stand for “Hot Actress/Model Wannabe”), and she can in fact “bend like that.” However, this professional is unavailable for the type of private instruction in which you expressed interest. It is our practice to give applicants the benefit of the doubt, but in this request you treaded dangerously close to making unwelcome innuendos. I can only hope that your reference to “doggy style” was an unfortunate typing error and that you meant to suggest the downward-facing-dog position fundamental to yoga practice. Further, I urge you to reconsider your cavalier use of the terms “bend,” “stretch,” “tighten,” and “loosen” if you wish to apply for instruction elsewhere; also, “lubricate” seemed misplaced. As yogis, we pride ourselves on understanding, but you seem to take undue pleasure in pushing the proverbial envelope.
To address your second query, I assure you there is no intentional link between our yoga classes and the Kama Sutra, despite such course names as Reinvigorating the Self, Embodying One Another Within the Universe, and Learning to Channel the Body’s Energy for Prolonged Fulfillment. Although strict adherence to yoga will indeed give you a more malleable physique over time, the goal is not to, in your euphemistic words, “master the Swedish Cake Walk, if you know what I mean.” Our classes are meant to instruct students in meditative exercise with the goal of harmonizing mind, body, and soul in order to achieve oneness with the universe. Your aims seem focused on more carnal desires. My suspicions regarding your motivation were all but confirmed when I arrived at the section of the application requesting your innermost objectives in this life, where you cited the Hottest Rock-Hard Bodies of Hollywood special on E! as an impetus for your yogic ambitions. Unfortunately, we do not offer a guarantee that embracing yoga will result in Matthew McConaughey–type appeal just because he too is a practitioner, as alleged by E!.
While we wish not to cast judgment, we remain convinced that there are other, more appropriate institutions that could serve as outlets for your sort. For instance, our neighboring video-rental store harbors an adult section in its back room, and the bodega down the street from us is known to host special gatherings in its basement on Monday evenings at 8 p.m. (The code word at the door is “swing,” and first-timers are always welcome for observation and/or participation.)
In retrospect, I blame myself for your failure to gain acceptance to our school. In the future I will be more mindful as to where I post our fliers. Admittedly, I am a procrastinator, and during the final week before classes, in my haste to advertise I posted them wherever I went, regardless of the board’s specific directions to target only gyms, coffee shops, and quaint used-book stores.
Perhaps if we met in person I might be able to guide you in your personal journey toward growth, if you know what I mean. You know where I’ll be at 8 p.m. this Monday. I suppose the rest is up to the universe.
Very truly yours,
Fellow Philanderer Believably Masquerading as Rehabilitated Yogi
SUGGESTED READSWhat Color Is Your Sippy Cup?
by J. Daniel Janzen (9/10/2004)
North Carl, New Hampshire’s Application for Pajamas Capital of the World
by Alysia Gray Painter (8/1/2002)
Patents I Have Sought, And Failed, To Obtain
by Eric Feezell (9/4/2007)
RECENTLYThe First Friendsgiving
by Chris Brotzman (11/25/2014)
Not So Timeless After All: Freeman, Corduroy
by Ilana Masad (11/25/2014)
List: Honest Thanksgiving Cards
by Cetoria Tomberlin (11/25/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
Why You Should Not Have Broken Up With Me, According to Various Critical Theories
by Tommy Wallach (11/3/2014)
The Boy from Jurassic Park’s College Application Essay
by Julia Drake (11/12/2014)