BY TOM BARTLETT
From: Maybelline Kane
Subject: What time is it?
Hey, you, I’m blond, gorgeous, and I just turned 18! I set up a webcam in my bedroom so people could watch me 24/7! However, the more I thought about it, the more the whole thing seemed kind of creepy and demeaning. So I scrapped that idea.
From: Confidence D. Riblet
Love life letting you down?
Can’t SATISFY your woman?
Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss the issue. By opening the lines of communication, your relationship (and, not incidentally, your love life) will improve tremendously.
From: Brent Ranch
Subject: final warning
Earn a genuine college degree based on taking classes!
Read books, write papers, take tests. It’s hard work (except for Intro to Geology with Miller—that’s a total blow-off), but you’ll end up smarter and more well-rounded. Plus, you’ll never again have so many opportunities to score.
From: Hon. Ben Odaku III
Subject: Sincere Friend
Due to unpleasant difficulties in my home country, we had to flee/escape the capital 21 May 2005 with extreme haste. Many souls were lost during the revolt, including my beloved father, vice minister of the National Oil Exportation Consortium. Fearing unstable conditions, he had secured monies in the amount of U.S. $24 Million (Twenty-Four Million) inside a secret bank account where the rebels were unable to achieve it.
Prior to his turbulent demise, my beloved father informed us this account number and gave complete instructions how to reclaim the funds contained therein. “Get the money yourselves,” he said. “Trust no one.” Then he kissed each of us firmly on the forehead before wishing goodbye. We evacuated the situation but he perished from the mob. While we are now financially at comfort, no amount of money—not even U.S. $24 Million (Twenty-Four Million)—could begin to comprehend the enormous hole left by his tragic expiration.
Life is short and unexpected trouble arise. Be kind to each other and make the best of it.
With gratitude for all,
Hon. Ben Odaku III
SUGGESTED READSThe Elements of Spam.
by Jason Roeder (2/8/2006)
Spam Finally Taps Into Male Desires
by Eric Silver (5/26/2006)
List: Everything I Need to Known I Learned from Spam
by Julie Landry (9/3/2002)
RECENTLYCoffee Shop Algebra
by Allen Rein (3/27/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Braxton-Hicks Contractions That Hit a Student in My First Period 10th Grade English Class
by Mr. Dickson (3/27/2015)
List: Things My Love Life and My Writing Career Have in Common
by Samantha Edmonds (3/27/2015)
POPULARAn Honest College Rejection Letter
by Mimi Evans (3/26/2015)
List: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck (7/5/2011)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)