“Decent in bed.” – My sheets

“Stares a lot.” – My TV

“Passive aggressive.” – My welcome mat

“Utter narcissist.” – My mirror

“Major control issues.” – My remote

“Tends to throw in the towel.” – My linen closet

“She blows.” – My decorative candle

“Smart ass.” – My chair

“Makes us feel empty inside.” – My wine bottles

“Thief!” – My jewelry box

“Pretty unforgettable.” – My memory foam pillow

“Such a player.” – My record collection

“Fills me with Joy®.” – My dishwasher

“Wears us out.” – My clothes

“Gave me severe abandonment issues.” – My treadmill

“Not exactly my cup of tea.” – My Keurig machine

“She has to be on top.” – My mattress

“Liar.” – My scale

“Treats us like garbage.”– My trash cans

“Ignores us because we’re not actually male.” – My pile of mail

“She’s always throwing shade.” – My blinds

“Too into Netflix & chill.” – My couch

“Positively draining.” – My sink

“We don’t really support her.” – My bras

“Gives us dirty looks.” – My hamper

“She makes it rain.” – My shower

“Such poor taste.” – My wallet

“Tends to sweep things under the rug.” – My broom

“Occasionally enlightening.” – My lamp

“Good vibes.” – My electric toothbrush

“I only have eyes for her.” – My eyeglasses

“We both suck.” – My vacuum

“Tends to make me feel all warm inside.” – My microwave

“Pretentious.” – My stack of New Yorkers

“She needs to get a grip.” – My door handle

“I’ve always looked down on her.” – My ceiling

“Our connection is private, ok?” – My Wi-Fi router

“She’s so basic.” – My toilet paper

“Borderline abusive.” – My bowl of bruised fruit

“Has never once turned me on.” – My oven

“We found love in a soapless place.” – My body wash

“Always leaves you hanging.” – My wall art

“Burgeoning hoarder.” – My plastic bag full of plastic bags

“Great rack.” – My spices

“Just put a sock in it, lady.” – My sock drawer

“She’s changed.” – My jar of coins